New Year's Resolutions

Tomorrow is the last day of the year.  The last day to fulfill those resolutions we all made on January 1.  And the day to resolve we will REALLY fulfill our resolutions for next year.

So, what were yours?  Did you forget them on January 2?  Do you have new ones?

I made no resolutions last year.  I knew I already had too much to worry about….getting married, moving, figuring out what to do with my condo that I owe too much on to sell in these economic times, and helping my vehemently-hate-changes son to accept all these changes!

This year, I want to relax more.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how to accomplish this.  I work full+ time.  I’m a mom to a kid who plays sports, which means many hours at sports practices and games.  I’m involved with his school.  I am very picky about what we eat and cook most things from scratch.  I found myself getting all stressed out yesterday, a Saturday on which I had nothing I HAD to do, worrying about what I needed to do on Wednesday!  I have boxes I still need to unpack from moving in March, bathrooms that need to be cleaned, laundry that needs to be done.  I went into my son’s room today to gather all his PSP games and box them up (he got a new PSVita for Christmas, and trade in cost on the games is a joke!) to give to one of his friends and discovered a room that has been “cleaned” by shoving everything into random drawers and the closet, yet another chore for my list, albeit one that WILL get help from the room’s occupant.  I seriously only sleep about 5 hours a night, except for those rare days about once a month where I will sleep till people wake me up to feed them.  When am I supposed to have time to relax?

I know, I know, I need to make the time.  I just wish I had the ability to MAKE time, you know, add extra hours to the day! 

I think I’m just going to have to set a time.  9:00 PM, OK, STOP!  But the laundry might not be dry, and the dirty dishes might still be in the sink….  ACCKKK, I’ll just not be able to sleep worrying about that!

Hopefully I’ll find a way to do this, I need it!  And that’s really why they have wine!

 

Trust Your Instincts

All children are defiant, it’s part of being a kid, and discovering your limits.

All children do not have meltdowns daily.  All children do not throw things at you for an hour while screaming.  All children do not get so overwhelmed by their daily homework that it takes them 3 hours to complete it, after arguing with you and crying, and arguing and crying again.

If this is your case, DO NOT LET FAMILY, OR EVEN PROFESSIONALS, TELL YOU THAT “HE’S JUST A BOY” OR “SHE’S HIGH SPIRITED.”  Trust me, you are often the ONLY advocate for your child.  And you have to take on that role.

I’ve been reading some articles on ADD/ADHD that have been breaking my heart.  You are NOT a bad parent if your child had these problems.  It’s a hereditary neurological disorder.  One that is real.  One that is hurting your child even more than it is hurting you.  One that can be treated.

There will be naysayers.  Even the people closest to you in your life.  But it’s your CHILD.  Please help them.

And if it takes a while to convince anyone (again, trust me, it can!) that something is wrong, in the meantime, establish a routine.  Create structure.  Follow through on all consequences.  Let your child know what to expect. (I used to even have to let my son know the week’s dinner menu to make him feel comfortable!) Talk to their teachers about school problems.   And understand.  Understand they are frustrated, that they may feel bad about themselves, that their social development is most likely behind (up to 2 or 3 years) other kids their age. And find ways to deal with that.

And above all, keep in mind how truly unique and special your child is.  I wouldn’t trade mine for anything.  Ok, so in the middle of a meltdown I may want to, but I get over it.  Wine.  Wine.  Yep, that's why they have wine!

 

Would You Say That To My Face?

I love the internet.  I love being able to reach out to people far away in an instant and the ability find out any information I need, from a recipe for lasagna to how to fix a leaking toilet to hypochondriacally (if that is not a real word, too bad) diagnosing myself or a family member, just a few keystrokes away.

However, as with everything, with the good comes the bad.

My 11-year old got a PS Vita for Christmas.  With it, he can play games online against others.  He is good at video games and good at sports, and when playing a sports video game, well, watch out!  He has trouble in school due to his learning disabilities, so he takes a lot of pride in how well he does with the things he excels in.

He is currently at his dad’s for a week, and took the PS Vita with him.  About an hour and a half ago, I got a phone call.  It was my son, speaking in a tone of voice that I knew meant he was about to burst out into tears.  I asked him what was wrong, and he said “Nothing.”  I told him I could tell by hearing him he was upset, and asked was there something he wanted to talk about.  He hung up on me.  That would be Aiden-speak for “Yes, there is something very wrong!”

I called him back.  When he finally picked up the phone, I could hear his dad speaking to him in the background in an exasperated tone, with his last words being “you need to talk to your mom.”  I asked Aiden what he needed to be talking to me about.  “Nothing.”  The most I could get out of him was he wanted to come home, with boredom being his excuse.  I told him I was only asking him what was wrong because I was worried about him because he sounded like he was going to cry, not because he was in trouble for anything.  I told him I loved him.  I told him that if there was something bothering him, I didn’t mind listening at any time, he can even call me at work.  He said “Ok, well talk to you tomorrow.”

I texted his dad….apparently Aiden was in the middle of a huge meltdown, had been throwing things and yelling and said he was going to sell his video games on ebay.  His dad still doesn’t fully understand the ADD and sensory processing issues and I think he was overwhelmed himself , which unfortunately can just make things worse.  Eventually his dad was able to calm him and Aiden apologized.  Turns out the tantrum started over a game of football being played online.

“Did someone message him something?” I asked his dad.  He doesn’t like to lose, and will pout, but full blown meltdowns occur when he is overwhelmed:  with sensory issues, with crowds, with too many thoughts, with emotions...  He hasn’t had one in almost a year.  His dad didn’t realize that he could get messages, and hadn’t asked, but said “Ooohhh!”  We’re pretty sure that is what happened, someone was mean.

People are mean online.  I’ve already previously taken away Xbox live and we’ve gone through and unfriended some of his Facebook “friends” for the same reason.  People say things online they would never say directly to you.  I’ve stepped away from message boards for the same reason…my very first encounter with one made ME cry, all I was doing was factually answering a question someone asked, and it was a DISNEY message board!  People tell you that you are stupid, that you are a terrible parent, a terrible person in general…..

I’m all for discussion and debate, I actually really enjoy that.  But discussion and debate takes into account that we are all unique individuals, and respects the fact that we can have differing opinions and still be OK.  You know, like we treat people in discussions when they are seated across from us.  Even if they are strangers.  If I wouldn’t say it to your face, I’m not going to say it online.  Especially if there is the chance you might be a child.

I told his dad I’d talk to Aiden tomorrow when he’s had a chance to “step back.”  His dad is taking away playing online right now.   Hopefully we’ll get this worked out, and somehow find a way to get him to just brush off what other people say online because it IS fun for him most of the time to play other people.

I just hate not being there and being able to tell Aiden everything is OK and I love him. 

And, well, that’s why they have wine.  And nephews who can tell me if there is a way to turn off the messaging part….

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!

About 11-1/2 years ago, I went into premature labor at the end of my second trimester.  I was given medication and put on bedrest, and was able to delay him for a while, but that little boy wasn’t going to wait.  My son was born at 29-1/2 weeks.  He has been early for everything ever since.

To him, if he is not early, he is late.  There is no such thing as on time.  We are always the first to baseball practice and games.  To birthday parties.  To appointments.

School starts at 8:00, and the students are not allowed out of the car at school until 7:30 each morning, but if I am not in the car line by 7:20, he is in a panic.  One of these days, the fact that I forgot something and had to run back in the house is  going to give him a heart attack.

He really can't wait for Christmas.  I had already agreed to let him have gifts from my husband and I early tomorrow since he will be leaving for his dad’s for a week on Christmas day.  Today he found a way to make it come even earlier.  We were playing basketball in the driveway, and he asked “If I make it from here (a spot in the neighbor’s yard) with my eyes closed, can I open a gift early?”  Thinking there was no chance he’d do it, I agreed.  Swoosh…in it went!  He shook a few packages for the hundredth time and  picked out a gift from under the tree.

He is now happily setting up his PS Vita.  Two days before Christmas.  I should have better disguised the underwear!

I may not get to see the big thrill Christmas morning now, but at least for the moment I am not listening to incessant questions about what time he can open gifts.  That is, until he wakes up bright and early in the morning wanting the rest of them…If he had his way, Christmas would have been a week ago.

And that’s why they have wine.

Life WIth a Middle Schooler

My son lied to me today.  A couple of them, one a lie of omission, one a big made up story.

This is my “button.”  The thing that makes me feel  like the worst mom in the world.  How can I, someone who couldn’t lie to save her life, have a kid that lies to her?

I was watching my son’s friend for the day while his mom was at work.  They asked if they could walk down to the river, which is half a block from the house and safely WAY up on a steep hill from the actual water, to look for alligators (the gators can’t climb straight up!).  I gave them permission and off they went.  Twenty minutes later, they returned, with my son telling me, “You might need to get out your car keys.”

“What?! What happened?”

“Well, the remote control Mustang, well it wouldn’t go through the dirt, so I picked it up and tripped over a root and it’s in the river.”

Um, there are no toys, or other possessions, allowed out of the house without permission.  Apparently this fact was forgotten.  “WHY was the remote control car at the river?”

Aiden replied that his friend wanted to take it.  “Again, I ask, why was it at the river?  You are not supposed to take things places without permission.  It’s IN the river, or on the bank?”

“I don’t know Mom, I’m sorry.  It’s half in the river.  But we can’t get to it, it’s too far down.”

“Why did you tell me to get my keys?”

“Nevermind.”

“Why did you tell me to get my keys?”

“I thought you’d take us to the store to get another one.”

“Another one?  Really?  Consequences.  You owe me 3 weeks allowance to pay for it, and any other possession that leaves the house without you asking, I don’t care if it’s your Kindle or PSP….it goes straight to Goodwill.”

“Ok.”

My husband came home soon after and saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong.  Told him about the incident, using the phrase “The STORY is…”  Yep, didn’t believe the whole tripped over a root thing.

When we were out with the boys tonight, they got in a playful argument which caused Aiden to say, apparently thinking I could not hear two feet away from me, “I’m telling my mom you drove the car in the river.”  I asked his friend, who promptly admitted that, yes, he had been using the remote control and the car went over the bank and….”AIDEN MADE UP THE STORY, I’M SORRY, I DON’T WANT TO BE IN TROUBLE!”  Had a discussion with both boys.  STORY is they made up the first story to keep his friend out of trouble.  Friend kept asking if I was mad.  I told both that I was not happy that they took the car to the river without permission and that they lied about it, but as the not taking things out of the house without permission was the rule for my son, that was the first rule broken and Aiden was to blame for that.

After dropping his friend off at home, discussed more with Aiden about lying.  He replied back in the “whatever” rude type of middle schooler reply, which of course just made me lecture more.

Aiden went to shower before bed, and asked my husband what he thought I should do about the lying.  He is Aiden’s stepfather of 9 months, and I think he (wrongly) feels he doesn’t have a say, and so he usually doesn’t just step in.  I wish he would more often, because he sees things that I’m blinded to by my emotions.  He told me that out of all the kids he’s seen and what he’s heard from other parents, the lying is a common problem at this age.  And that Aiden seems to have better behavior overall than most.  And, what I really needed to hear, that I’m a good mom.   But above all, he gave his observation that Aiden tunes things out after about a half a minute (um, yeah, I know that, but even if it’s coming from his MOM, LOL!), and that to be effective I need to keep what I say short and to the point.  And ALWAYS give consequences, not just discuss that something is wrong to do. That Aiden knows when he’s wrong, he needs me to “show” that I know that too instead of just saying it.  That when I do that, the problem goes away, for good.  He’s right.

Went to Aiden’s room to tell him goodnight, and said “I love you.  I love you always, no matter what you do.  But I think there needs to be consequences for lying.”

“I do too.”

Wow.  I need to sometimes get beyond that worry that everything means something bigger and look at it like my husband does.  Simple problem, simple solution.

His favorite new item is now taken away till Christmas.

Middle school years are hard.  That’s why they have wine.  Not for the middle schooler, but for me. And probably also the teachers.  And administrators.  And bus drivers.  And probably even the school landscapers.  Middle school is a hard time for everyone!

“

Why Do You Care What They Say?

My husband said he doesn’t know why other people’s opinions affect me so much.  And, well, most of the time they don’t.  But when it comes to how people react to a tragedy like the Connecticut shooting, it becomes somewhat personal to me.

You know how after all these tragedies there is some aunt or neighbor who talks to the media and says there was “something off” about the perpetrator?  You know, he didn’t have a lot of friends his age, he had some trouble in school, he was moody, he kept to himself, he was seeing a doctor, he was on medication?  And we all say, “OH….so he was a troubled kid, of course!”

My kid is sweet, sensitive, and smart.  He is friendly and well liked, and possesses a lot of good leadership qualities; he is even the president of his class. He is a great athlete and totally obsessed with baseball.  But he is also the kid in the previous paragraph.

He is the kid who has torn all the pages out of books and scattered them in his room.  He is the kid who has gotten upset at something completely unrelated to me and thrown something at me or punched me.  He is the kid who, when way past the two year old stage, has been carried, crying, screaming, and kicking and hitting me, out of Disney World, on more than one occasion, because he had a meltdown from sensory overload. He is the kid failing in school because he can’t write the answers down on paper.

I am the Mom who loves him to death.  Who sees every wonderful quality he has, and has fought to find out what causes the opposite ones.  I am the mom who sees a kid who is sensitive, and loves people and animals, and doesn’t like to see anyone get hurt, and the one that has come to realize that sometimes has to be treated different than your average kid to make him feel comfortable.

 I’ve spent years and years telling doctors and schools that I think something is wrong and asking for evaluations, and being turned down.  Years of stress dealing with issues no one else would acknowledge.  By chance I have a psychology degree and have worked in community mental health, and am the daughter of a special education teacher with a master’s degree.  Luckily, between the two of us we have a lot of expertise, expertise that has been put to practice, and has made him the kid that is most of the time happy, adjusted, and “normal.”  It was finally this summer, after convincing his pediatrician to make referrals for evaluations I paid for myself, I was able to get a diagnosis (Attention Deficit Disorder, sensory processing issues, probable Dyslexia) and medication.  Medication that makes people say I’m a bad mom for giving it to him, many of the same people blaming Adam Lanza’s mom for Friday’s events.  Medication that helps him focus and handle his frustration and impulses.

From what has been reported, Adam had Asperger’s, a mild form of autism.  He probably had many of the same personality quirks that my son does.  And his mother probably loved him to death and saw her son like I see mine…a sweet kid with some problems.  While that is not an excuse for the events, it is also not a reason to blame the mother.  The mother that was the first person killed.  The mother who I’m sure would not have guns accessible if she had any idea her son might use them on her.

I’m not sure people who do not have a child with special needs really have an idea of what it is to have one.  My son’s are minimal, and it’s hard as heck sometimes, I can’t even imagine the stress of having a child with greater needs.  The notion that people would completely ignore the fact that maybe there sometimes is something wrong that a mother, even the most amazing mothers on earth, can’t fix by themselves really bothers me.  Because if that is not acknowledged, it will never change. 

THAT’s why other people’s opinions on this matter affect me so much.  I want there to be the best possible resources for my son and for other parents like me.  I want people to be ok with the fact that peopIe’s brains are sometimes not wired right.  I want people to understand that if a parent is choosing to give their child medication, they do that after a lot of thought.  I want the stigma to stop keeping people from getting help.  I would never want my child to feel so frustrated that he found killing people and himself to be the way to feel better, and certainly do not want that for anyone else’s child.  I want people to realize that we need to look at WHY someone chooses to do something and not only look at the tools they choose to use.

And in the meantime, that’s why they have wine.

There Will Be Police at the Schools Tomorrow

There Will Be Police at the Schools Tomorrow

….And I don’t like it. 

If there is anything I’ve learned from having a naturally anxious child, it is to always keep things “normal” during a crisis or tragedy, otherwise you open the door for that thing to become the focus.  Out of the ordinary things bring not only questions, but very often fear.  As adults, we react that way, but we have better coping mechanisms.  That fear and anxiety can completely overwhelm a child.

It is not being announced in the media, but those officers will be there for an hour a day.  An hour.  I’m guessing at drop off time when they will be most visible to parents.   So…adults will be placated thinking we have some control over the random evil in the world, but our kids will be sitting there going “Why the heck are there police here?”  And if they’ve heard ANY little bit of the current events over the weekend, their next thought will be “Mom, take me home!”

I understand this tragedy scares parents.  It scares me.  But the Spock side of me tells me that the car I put my child in each day is more likely to be the cause of his death than a school intruder, and I don’t have a police escort around my vehicle to keep anyone else from getting in an accident with me.  Nor do I discuss the possibility of car crashes each time we get in, or discuss plans on what to do if we are in one.  If I did, I’d be thought of as a nutcase parent, and people would be right.

The events that occurred are very sad and scary.  It’s understandable that people want to do what they can to try to insulate their lives from such a thing.  Sometimes though, I think we need to step back and really figure out the underlying reasons things occur instead of just trying to put patches on to make things appear OK.

I read a blog today about mental illness, its stigmas, and ineffective ways of coping with it.  I’ve worked in this field, and it was spot on.  If you really want to help prevent tragedies like this, help others in society, and maybe even your own kids or family members, shift your focus.  Learn about it, and help to advocate for better treatment options.

Getting ready to deal with the effects of my child having to face effects of this tragedy tomorrow, because I have no control over what happens at school.  He goes to a charter school and not sure if they will also have police, but even if not, he’ll have to hear things from other kids whose parents don’t feel the same as me about shielding them from the news.  Like I said, my kid is naturally anxious, this won’t be a good thing.

And that’s why they have wine.

Confessions of a Procrastinator

I have not always been like this.  I usually have every single Christmas gift bought before Thanksgiving, the tree and decorations up the day after it, and would now be sitting relaxing, watching Rudolph or Santa Claus is Coming to Town, or whatever the special of the day is.

My big accomplishment so far this year….two little ceramic angels are sitting on the mantle.  Angels I bought a few weeks ago, set on the kitchen table, and finally took out of their packages a few days ago. 

I don’t have anywhere to put my Christmas decorations or tree.  I got married and moved into my husband’s house 9 months ago.  I still have unpacked boxes everywhere. I haven’t been able to set up my desk because I can’t get to it.  The junk in the garage is multiplying, because when I can’t find something, I go buy another (we have enough school supplies now to last through 2020). My dining room table is covered in a huge photo framing project I started and haven’t finished, because whenever I work on it I feel guilty for not unpacking.  I don’t even want to think about how many gifts I still need to get.  And I probably won’t be able to find the ones I already have.

So, a week and a half ago I decided to tackle the office.  If I can get that cleaned up, I can put my desktop computer on my desk instead of a dining room chair,  and when I work (yes, I work from home and can’t get to my desk) I will no longer have to stand at the kitchen counter with my laptop.  And then I can set aside the photo project in a box, in the office, until I can get to it.  I’ll be able to unpack some boxes and put things where they go so I can find them.

I finally cleared a path to my desk this evening.  I moved the computer from the dining room chair to the desk, and realized I didn’t have my power strip.  I had put it in my son’s room for his mini Christmas tree because I couldn’t find (!) any of my extension cords.  So off to the abyss of the garage I went, there had to be an extension cord out there somewhere.

Oooh, look, there is the wreath!  I need to go hang that.  Hmmm, where is the rest of the Christmas stuff?  Let’s look through this box, and behind this cabinet, and in this closet….And why was I in the garage again?  Oh, yeah, extension cord.

I finally found the cord, attached it to Aiden’s tree and took the power strip in the office and finished setting up the computer.  I was making headway!  Then I saw an article on Facebook I had to read.  And pack lunches for tomorrow.  And crap, I still need to fold the laundry in the dryer, the laundry that has been dry for 2 days!

So, now there are 2 angels on the mantle and a wreath on the door.  Perhaps I’ll have the tree up for Christmas in July.

And that’s why they have wine!

Rantings of a Frustrated Parent.

The new DSM-V changes are bringing out the conspiracy theorists.

Many cases of cancer are likely caused by environmental factors.  Do we blame the victims?  Not treat them?  Claim the medication they are given is a scam?  Blame their parents for what they fed them?  Shun them?  Do we claim to know that ALL cases of cancer are caused by environment, and find ourselves to be superior for not having it?

No?  So why do it with psychological and developmental disorders?

I’m very happy for anyone that doesn’t have one.  And obviously not having one gives them the expertise to judge those that do.  To say it’s because they have bad parents.  That it’s made up.  That all you have to do is change your diet. 

Right.

Antibiotics are often overprescribed, given for viruses that will not be helped by them.  So should we give no one antibiotics?  Of course not.  In the same way that antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and ADD/ADHD medications should not be discarded as a valuable treatment because they may have been prescribed to someone who didn’t need them.  By their nature, you can’t just biopsy a brain to make a diagnosis, psychological and developmental disorders are more subjectively diagnosed.  Doctors are human, and so it’s not surprising that they may sometimes be wrong in a diagnosis.

The schizophrenic that is hearing voices telling them jokes is not just looking for attention.  Either is an autistic child.  Or one with ADD.  They are struggling.  They need help and support, not blame.

ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) is something that is close to me, my son has it.  He eats mostly organic.  He does not eat a lot of sugar.  He’s not hyperactive.  He does not get in trouble in school.  His mom isn’t off smoking a crack pipe neglecting him.  He doesn’t play video games all day (if he plays for 20 minutes, that is a LONG session)! He gets plenty of exercise.  He is none of the stereotypes that critics like to claim this disorder is, and he already does all the things they claim fix it. 

He has trouble focusing.  He is distracted and physically bothered by loud noises and crowds.  He is having difficulty in school.  Changes in routine (something as simple as someone else besides me picking him up from school) cause him great anxiety. 

We do a lot of things to alleviate these struggles.  Our daily routine is consistent. We keep a whiteboard in the kitchen with the weekly schedule.  Homework is done in a quiet room.  He is given reminders of what he needs to do each day, sometimes several times.  We put all things that have to be turned in at school in a bright red folder to help him remember to do so.  He is getting special help at school.

And he takes medication.  The medication is not the cause of his problems, he’s had those for years  and has only taken the medication since July.  He’s on a minimum dose.  It does not turn him into a “zombie” or make him “drugged out.”  The medication helps him to focus his thoughts and not get as overwhelmed as frustrated, and that makes him happier. 

Yes, a lot of things are overdiagnosed, from the flu to ADD to pain.  Yes, some medication is overprescribed, and some people are just drug-seeking.  Yes, there are a lot of health problems caused by environmental factors and what we eat.

Diseases, disorders, and illnesses are still real regardless.  Even those in the DSM-V.  Believing they're made up doesn't help anyone.

And that’s why they have wine.

 

Are you sure you're not A.D.D?

My son asked me today, “Are you sure you don’t have A.D.D too?”

“No, I don’t have A.D.D., why do you ask?”

“You start to do something and then do something else.  You don’t always hear everything I say.  You would forget to pick me up at school if you didn’t set your phone.”

Hmmm.  He’s right.  It is kind of making me wonder.

I got good grades in school, but it wasn’t because I brought home my homework.  My mom used to ask me “Are you sure you have textbooks?”  I find myself asking my son the same thing.

I have about a million different interests.  I’ll get all involved in something….then suddenly switch to something else.  Just like my son.  I don’t know how much money I spent on scrapbooking items that are still sitting there in a basket, 10 years later.  Or books I haven’t read. Books I haven’t written. Clothes I forgot I bought.  Plans I haven’t followed through on.  All the while, overdedicating myself to a bunch of other activities, and then wonder why I’m always tired!

I’m not sure I can even remember how many majors I went through in college.  Engineering, Mass Communications, Art, Physical Education…finally ending with a double major in Psychology and Sociology.  And I work in Software Development in Quality Assurance.   After jobs as a mental health case manager, receptionist, A/P and Payroll Clerk, Construction Estimator’s assistant, Construction Project Manager/Office Manager, and Software support.  I’m not even quite 45!

 I very often forget conversations.  My son and I get in disagreements constantly about what each other said.  Sometimes I know it is him who forgot, sometimes I’m not sure.  Sometimes I’m not sure if someone told me something or I dreamed it.  And my son is correct, I would forget to pick him up if my phone did not alert me.  When I do get involved in something I like, I lose track of time.  I like my job, I like the problem solving and figuring out how to resolve it.  I like planning.  And so I get lost and need that alert.

I also need alerts to take my vitamins, pick up milk, go to the bank, mail my bills.  For me, smartphones are the greatest invention ever, mine makes sure I don’t forget anything.  When I remember to put the task on the calendar in the first place.

Perhaps I just really like a lot of things, and my mind is going with age.  But he is really making me think.

And that’s why they have wine.

Why Do Women Have To Be Beautiful?

Why do women have to be beautiful?

I read an article today about a mother wanting to teach her daughters to feel beautiful, in part by expressing that she was beautiful, even though she did not feel that way.  At first, I was touched.  But then….all I could think is “Why does it matter?”

I don’t have daughters.  I have a son.  A son that is actually pretty good looking.  That is not just the mother in me talking, I’ve never really thought that much about it.  But I have had other people tell me that, and if I think about it, I guess he is.  But that’s not what I tell him about himself.

I tell him he’s a fast runner, pitched a great game, am proud of the way he treated someone, that he is a great leader, that I am impressed with his knowledge on certain subjects.  He’s a confident kid.  He doesn’t care what he looks like.  (One look at the mismatched outfits he picks out for himself to wear with his ever-present Crocs clogs and the haircut he’s had since he was two that he doesn’t want to change….) He’s never asked if he’s cute or good-looking.  Doesn’t ask about the fattening effects of his snacks, but rather their health value.  He weighs himself every time we go to the grocery store, but he really isn’t concerned with the results, it’s just a curiosity thing.  He asks if he is smart, if he is nice, if he is well-behaved, if he is immature, if he’s funny, if he played a good game.  Never about physical appearance.

My mother never told me I was beautiful.  She never talked about her, or anyones, appearance, good or bad.  I have to say, when I was a teen I wanted the “right clothes”, but I never really was concerned if I was pretty.  In my 20’s, when I was asked to do some local modeling, I actually did one of those head turns to see who was behind me.  Apparantly I must be (or had been!) attractive, but that is not who I see myself as.  I see myself as smart, creative, driven, health-crazy, opinionated, sometimes funny, and probably way too sarcastic.  Do I ever worry about my looks?  Yeah, I don’t like the giant pimple that likes to form on my chin.  I don’t like when my pants get too tight because I’m a cheapskate and don’t want to go replace them.  But I don’t care that if I don’t wear a bra, no one can even tell, or that my hair never looks the same as it did by noon everyday…and I even wear Crocs too.  I want my husband to find me attractive, but I’m more concerned that he thinks I’m a good person.  I am happy.  I don’t need to be beautiful to be that way.

If men don’t need to be Johnny Depp clones, then why do women need to look like a supermodel?  Or even feel like they do?

Why do women have to be beautiful?

I just know I am thirsty.  And that is why there is wine.

Mom, Am I Immature?

My son came and asked me this evening, "Mom, am I immature?"

The question threw me for a loop.  He is 11 and his best friend in the neighborhood is 7.  He has no interest in girls, though many of his classmates do.  One night at baseball practice, a parent was talking about his 11 year old having his first date and wanting to kiss a girl - that same day my son was excited I bought him a Halloween Beanie Baby.  He likes to spend Friday evenings with me, watching the Disney channel.  He is going camping with my mom this weekend, and spent more time deciding which stuffed animal to bring to sleep with than he did on clothes to bring.

And then I jerked back into reality.....

"Why are you asking me this?  Did someone tell you that your were?"

"No."

"So, again, why are you asking?  Why do you think that?"

"I don't know."

"Did someone call a friend that?"

"Yes."

And then we got into a talk on bullying.  Aiden doesn't even remember, but he was bullied in Pre-K.  He was 4, and acted like a 4 year old - he smacked the kid that was being mean to him.  He got in trouble, I was called.  I observed the class for several hours the next day.  While I agree it is not OK to hit, I was appalled that no one seemed to even notice the behavior exhibited by the bully, not only to my child, but to others in the classroom. 

So, I did the best I could....I taught Aiden to cross his hands behind his back when he got upset, and to "use his words."  I taught him that, despite what you may have other people tell you, "We have to be friends with everyone" is just not true.  Rather, it's normal for some people to not like you, and for you to not like some people.  And that's OK.  But we have to be nice and respectful regardless.

We talked about what he can do to help other kids.

And that is how Aiden is.  He is not only nice to everyone, he can be exceptionally kind.  He accepts everyone, he is completely blind to things about someone that make other kids make fun.  He's been captain of baseball teams and is the president of his class, his outlook has done him well.  He doesn't like everyone, but he treats them as friends anyways.  He knows not everyone likes him, and he is OK with that.

"Are you less mature than some kids in the way they think they are grown up?  Probably.  But you are not immature. Not at all. I am extremely proud of the person you are.  You are a kid that still acts like a kid, and is silly, and is funny, and that's a good thing.  Heck, I'm almost 45 and I act like you."

"Hahahaha!  Yes you do!  So does that mean the same about my friend?"

"Absolutely. And make sure he knows that.  And stand up for him."

"I will."

And I'm sure he will, because that is who he is.  Even if he is not as "grown up" as others his age.

Life with an Attention Deficit Disorder kid can be challenging.  A common trait is that they act several years younger than their age.  They are often the the target of bullying because of that.  Was I happy about the fact he was bullied at a young age?  Absolutely not.  But I see now that it made him who he is, and I am happy about that.  I think that experience helped him to learn to shield himself a bit. 

I still worry, he's little and he's usually the youngest in his class. He has learning disablities.  He can be shy till he gets to know you. Bullying is a huge issue in this day and age, one that needs more attention, much more.  But for now he's doing OK. 

And when the worry takes over, that's why they have wine.

Little Men in My Head

According to the walk-in clinic, I have a sinus infection that moved to my eye, ear, and throat, and was working it's way to my lungs.  I beg to differ.

I know what I feel, and I'm pretty sure there is a little man in my head that is stabbing my eyeball.  And another one that is using my eardrum as a trampoline.  I even told the nurse that.  I'm pretty sure I'm right, because why else would they give me an antibiotic the size of my head to kill some tiny little bacteria?  They're trying to get rid of something much bigger, and they know it.

My family may think I'm delirious.  But I know that the combination of Robitussin and lack of oxygen is just giving me clarity.  I didn't really forget to lock the front door this morning.  I have an abnormal, extreme paranoia about leaving doors unlocked.  I check them twice, even three times.  My husband is just trying to convince me the little men have also gotten to my brain!

And while the antibiotic appears to have moved the little men from my throat, I think they just moved to my stomach.  I think I would rather they move back.

I need something to help me forget about the little men.  That is why they have wine.  And Pepto-Bismol.

At Least the Moths Had a Feast

Had a little trouble sleeping last night due to some back problems, so took advantage of the fact that I did not have to cook Thanksgiving dinner today and slept  in a bit.  When I got up, went to the kitchen to fix cereal for my son and me. Fixed Aiden's bowl of Cheerios, then pulled out my granola.  On the top of the box there was a white, worm-like thing crawling.  Held back my yelp, and opened the box.  More worms.  Looked up at the ceiling of the pantry.  How I mananged not to scream loud enough for the entire neighborhood is beyond me...perhaps I was in shock.

As my husband was in the office reading Yahoo, and my son was in his room playing Angry Birds, I calmly started going through the pantry, tossing out about everything.  Flour, rice, pasta, crackers.  Things that had never been opened.  Reusable grocery bags.  The boxes that the soda and water come in.  Moths and their larvae had invaded everything.  We are pretty much left with a bottle of cranberry juice, a couple of cans of tomato paste, and Townhouse crackers.  Yes, the Townhouse crackers were untouched, while their organic counterparts were invaded.  Even bugs know which food is better for you.

There were signs.  A few moths flying here and there.  A few weeks ago I discovered a Tupperware-like container of pistachios had been invaded by bugs and had thrown them out, container and all.  I thought that was the extent of the problem.

Unfortunately, they are sneaky little things.  After emptying the pantry, I calmly went to the office and asked my husband if he could please come help me.  He said "Sure," not knowing what horrors I was bringing him into.  I had no idea what to do about the larvae on the ceiling.  Fortunately I married an inventive spouse, he went and got the vacuum cleaner and sucked those disgusting things right up.

We left to go have our Thanksgiving dinner with family.  After coming back home, and taking my turkey-induced nap, I went to the kitchen to wipe down the pantry. 

There were more larvae on the ceiling!  And that's why they have wine.  LOTS and lots of it!

An 11 year old's view of Thanksgiving

Asked my son what he was thankful for this Thanksgiving.  His answer was "the food, family, school, baseball, my toys, amusement parks, and electronics." 

I then asked "What do you think people should be more thankful for?"

"The small stuff," he replied.

"The small stuff?"

"Yeah, you know, like good weather, books, and Pez dispensers.  The small stuff."

I liked the way he summed that up.  There are a lot of little things that put a smile on our face, make our day better, improve the quality of our life.  He's right, how often do we really feel thankful for those things?  We take a lot of things in life for granted.  While a Pez dispenser may not be the little thing that brings YOU a smile, there is something that does.  A Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte, a favorite TV show, a picture of Johnny Depp...

I'm going to sit here and contemplate for a while on all the small stuff.  And then take in that maybe sometimes my kid is smarter than me. 

That's why they have wine.

Going to the Dogs

Locally, there is a news story about a woman who was jogging, three dogs ran up and surrounded her, and a neighbor chased the dogs off and shot two of them, one who will be OK and one that need to be put down.

What do you think about this? 

Are you a dog owner?  A jogger?  Have you ever been threatened by a dog?  Are you OK with people owning guns?  All of those questions will factor in to your response.

And then there is the question that, in my opinion, often puts people on one side or the other, regardless of the other questions....does it matter what breed it was?

I've been the jogger.  I've also been a dog owner and instinctively used what I know about dog behavior.....I stopped running, tried to block my fear response, and yelled "No, stay!"  I've blocked off more than one dog from coming after me with that, even with my in-case-of-emergency pepper spray in my hand. When they calmed, I backed off slowly, still looking at them, till THEY no longer felt threatened.

The thing is, not everyone is a dog owner.  Not everyone knows how to deal with an aggessive dog.  And not all aggressive dogs can be dealt with.  Above all, YOUR DOG SHOULD NOT BE IN THE POSITION TO BE THREATENING SOMEONE.  I can't fault the dogs.  I also can't fault the jogger or the neighbor.  I'm a bit concerned over an owner who would defend their dogs having the opportunity to surround and scare a stranger and not find any fault with that.

We have Chihuahaus.  The little boy across the street, every time he knocks on the door to see if my son can play, does not look at our faces, he looks at our ankles.  He's terrified of dogs.  Especially barky ones, which ours are.  Ours are actually terrified of my 6 pound cat, and are not a threat to anyone, but that little boy doesn't feel that.  We never let the dogs near him because of that.  Because we realize that the dogs will survive without barking at him, but the child might be traumatized...that is what makes us the supposedly superior human race, the ability to empathize.

The dogs in the article were Pit Bulls.  Which shouldn't make a difference...all dogs can bite.  But, it does.  People are scared of them.  As a human being, if you are a pit bull owner, you need to take MORE precaution that no one feels threatened by them.  You need to do that not only to be a good citizen, but for the sake of your dogs.

My Chihuahuas are driving me nuts right now barking at the Rottweiler next door (the main cause of the anxiety of my son's friend). The Rottweiler knows they are not a threat, but he likes barking back.  The noise just gets on my nerves.  That is why they have wine.

Food is Not Political

We need food to survive.  (DUH!)  It is also a huge part of our socialization and family lives, not to mention sometimes  just pure enjoyment.  So why are we so lax in knowing about what it is that we are eating?

In a conversation this evening, I posed the opinion that there is political middle ground on some things.  Namely, what we eat.  I don’t care if you are Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Green Party, Vulcan, whatever, I don’t want anyone to be eating things that are not harmful to them.  Silly me, I would think that would be a universal opinion, but the more I learn about what we eat, the less I see that it is.  I don’t believe the government should tell us what we eat.  But I do think that the information about what we are eating, and it’s possible effects, should be readily accessible.  And how is that any kind of political issue?  Isn’t caring about one’s health something everyone cares about?

 My son is sensitive to food dyes (aka artificial colors, yellow #5, red #20, blue #1,000,987, blah, blah, blah).  I went through his Halloween candy to weed the stuff out that could cause a reaction.  Skittles, could have told you just looking, fruit snacks surprised me a little (just a little) with absolutely no mention of fruit. Googled “Butterfinger ingredients”.  Um, hmmm.  That candy bar is now the scariest thing to me about Halloween, as no one seems to want you to know what is in it.  Finally found a seller at Amazon who actually listed the ingredients.  (Butterfingers are a big no-go in this family now, there is a reason they don’t want you to know.)

Hostess has declared bankruptcy and is going out of business.  I’m sure the economy and the demands of a union who seem oblivious to the economy are part of it.  But I’ve also seen some posts on Facebook today on how Twinkies don’t taste like they used to.  I’d really love to see what the ingredient list 40 years ago compares to what are in them now are.  I bet 40 years ago we had most of those ingredients in our kitchen.  I think I’d be shocked to find any of those ingredients used now in my kitchen.  They don’t taste good because they’re not REAL!  And maybe that had some impact on sales.  Maybe.  As bad as that may sound, I'm hopeful people are realizing that natural ingredients are better.

 The information is out there, but you have to look for it.  95% of the food in the average American grocery store is not meant for human consumption.  Look for organic, non-processed, non-GMO, hormone-, antibiotic-, and pesticide-free.  Gluten-free too, but the discussion on that demands its own future blog post.  Don’t feed your family and friends anything you don’t know what the ingredient is. 

And if you are like me and spend hours doing a weeks grocery shopping because  you get overwhelmed reading food labels, that’s why they have wine.

The Pimple Years

Remember when you were 13, it was Picture Day for the yearbook, and you had that GIANT pimple on your forehead?  As your mom dabbed some mismatched concealer on it and you tried to cover it with your bangs, you thought “This can’t EVER get any worse.”

Think again.

I can’t stand to look at my 11 year old.  He has a weeping whitehead on his chin and it’s making me nauseous.  He’s washed it with Neutrogena.  He’s dabbed the Noxzema pads on it.  I asked him to try to pop it, he said it won’t.  Just because a few months ago he tried to pop one so hard it bled, got infected, and required antibiotics, he refuses to try harder to keep his mother from getting ill.  Unbelievable!

Seriously, a friend on Facebook just gave me a solution to try, we will be doing so right after dinner.  There has to be a solution, or he may need to find a foster family for the teenage years.

Ack, he just walked in here and the lights are shining brightly on him.  Yep, that’s why they make wine.

 

Campaign Promises

My son is 11.  Last week he was campaigning for President of his 6^th grade class.  He needed to come up with a campaign promise and asked for some help.  I told him that the President of anything - his class, the country, a girl scout troop -  should be someone leading the group to be the best they can…. and to figure out how to do that, he would need to identify where there were issues that could be improved.  His answer was more serious than I was anticipating.  He said he was concerned so many kids skipped school, and he would like to do something to make them want to attend.

So, how do you make a middle school child want to attend school? 

There are a myriad of reasons that kids skip.  They are bullied.  They struggle in their schoolwork.  They are not taught that an education is important.  There are problems at home.  They are just rebellious.  Do we try to resolve these problems by reaching out to the kids, or reaching out to the parents?

There is a law here in Florida where parents can be jailed if their child misses more than 15 days within 3 months.  There are other states with similar laws.  I do believe that often a parent is complicit in their child missing school, such as often  the case with bullying, but I don’t think jail is the answer.  I do, however, think it is the parents we need to “get on board” with school attendance.  Parents need more support with dealing with bullying and getting help with learning disabilities.  They need education and guidance in where to go to deal with family problems and rebellious children. 

I hear very often that “people should need a license to become parents” and other similar sentiments.  What we need is parent education and information.  I would love to see some of the money we spent on education, child services, and juvenile justice AFTER there are problems spent to prevent them instead.

For now I’m anxious to see how President  Aiden’s Wacky Wednesday policy (Games, movies, etc., once a week the 45 minute homeroom period) works.  If it encourages at least one kid to show up, I consider him successful. 

Very proud of my child for trying to tackle a tough issue.  I'm not sure as an adult what I can do to help.   When life gets complicated, that's why they have wine!