Life WIth a Middle Schooler

My son lied to me today.  A couple of them, one a lie of omission, one a big made up story.

This is my “button.”  The thing that makes me feel  like the worst mom in the world.  How can I, someone who couldn’t lie to save her life, have a kid that lies to her?

I was watching my son’s friend for the day while his mom was at work.  They asked if they could walk down to the river, which is half a block from the house and safely WAY up on a steep hill from the actual water, to look for alligators (the gators can’t climb straight up!).  I gave them permission and off they went.  Twenty minutes later, they returned, with my son telling me, “You might need to get out your car keys.”

“What?! What happened?”

“Well, the remote control Mustang, well it wouldn’t go through the dirt, so I picked it up and tripped over a root and it’s in the river.”

Um, there are no toys, or other possessions, allowed out of the house without permission.  Apparently this fact was forgotten.  “WHY was the remote control car at the river?”

Aiden replied that his friend wanted to take it.  “Again, I ask, why was it at the river?  You are not supposed to take things places without permission.  It’s IN the river, or on the bank?”

“I don’t know Mom, I’m sorry.  It’s half in the river.  But we can’t get to it, it’s too far down.”

“Why did you tell me to get my keys?”

“Nevermind.”

“Why did you tell me to get my keys?”

“I thought you’d take us to the store to get another one.”

“Another one?  Really?  Consequences.  You owe me 3 weeks allowance to pay for it, and any other possession that leaves the house without you asking, I don’t care if it’s your Kindle or PSP….it goes straight to Goodwill.”

“Ok.”

My husband came home soon after and saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong.  Told him about the incident, using the phrase “The STORY is…”  Yep, didn’t believe the whole tripped over a root thing.

When we were out with the boys tonight, they got in a playful argument which caused Aiden to say, apparently thinking I could not hear two feet away from me, “I’m telling my mom you drove the car in the river.”  I asked his friend, who promptly admitted that, yes, he had been using the remote control and the car went over the bank and….”AIDEN MADE UP THE STORY, I’M SORRY, I DON’T WANT TO BE IN TROUBLE!”  Had a discussion with both boys.  STORY is they made up the first story to keep his friend out of trouble.  Friend kept asking if I was mad.  I told both that I was not happy that they took the car to the river without permission and that they lied about it, but as the not taking things out of the house without permission was the rule for my son, that was the first rule broken and Aiden was to blame for that.

After dropping his friend off at home, discussed more with Aiden about lying.  He replied back in the “whatever” rude type of middle schooler reply, which of course just made me lecture more.

Aiden went to shower before bed, and asked my husband what he thought I should do about the lying.  He is Aiden’s stepfather of 9 months, and I think he (wrongly) feels he doesn’t have a say, and so he usually doesn’t just step in.  I wish he would more often, because he sees things that I’m blinded to by my emotions.  He told me that out of all the kids he’s seen and what he’s heard from other parents, the lying is a common problem at this age.  And that Aiden seems to have better behavior overall than most.  And, what I really needed to hear, that I’m a good mom.   But above all, he gave his observation that Aiden tunes things out after about a half a minute (um, yeah, I know that, but even if it’s coming from his MOM, LOL!), and that to be effective I need to keep what I say short and to the point.  And ALWAYS give consequences, not just discuss that something is wrong to do. That Aiden knows when he’s wrong, he needs me to “show” that I know that too instead of just saying it.  That when I do that, the problem goes away, for good.  He’s right.

Went to Aiden’s room to tell him goodnight, and said “I love you.  I love you always, no matter what you do.  But I think there needs to be consequences for lying.”

“I do too.”

Wow.  I need to sometimes get beyond that worry that everything means something bigger and look at it like my husband does.  Simple problem, simple solution.

His favorite new item is now taken away till Christmas.

Middle school years are hard.  That’s why they have wine.  Not for the middle schooler, but for me. And probably also the teachers.  And administrators.  And bus drivers.  And probably even the school landscapers.  Middle school is a hard time for everyone!

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