Just Because We Can...

As Americans, we have a lot of freedoms.  Freedoms that make our country what it is. Freedoms we should be grateful for. 

But just because we can, does that mean we should?

In the everyday world, on social media, in the news, just observing people, sometimes I get the feeling that people just think “I’m important, I can do what I want with no consequence, and people aren’t allowed to think bad of my behaviors, and if you do, well, you are just uncaring.”

On the contrary, I care.  I care what my child learns.  I care how you are affecting others.  I care  that this nation has created not only math problems that our children can’t figure out on their homework, but that it has created the idea that the lowest common denominator is what we should strive for.

I care that we have demonized the meaning of the word “judgment.”  Yes, I said it.  Yes, I judge.  I judge everything.  I judge the quality of the food I eat.  I judge the priority of issues at my job.  I judge what is correct behavior from my child.  I judge where it is best I spend my money. 

I judge people.  We all do.  We don’t all admit it, but we all do.  All of us, every single one.

And I will form opinions based on the language you use, the clothing you wear, your life choices, and how clean your car is.  Everything you do tells something about you, and you know what, that is life, and that is OK.   I will tell you right up front, if you have to pepper all your arguments with curse words, I will not take you seriously because you can’t argue without trying to offend.  If you go to work in a skirt you can’t bend over with, I will think you have some self-esteem problems.  If you think you have to have a fistfight with anyone disagreeing with you, I will stay far, FAR away from you because you are too narcissistic for me.  My opinions may be correct, maybe not, but we’re all allowed to have them and part of the choices you make are deciding what people will likely think about it.  If you are OK with that, that is the most amazing thing.  If you are not, then maybe you need to figure out your priorities.

I’m allowed to decide I don’t agree with you, that I don’t like you, or that you scare me.  And you are allowed to do the same towards me.  That is what freedom really is.  It is not actions without judgment.  Everyone judges, and, well, that is an awesome thing to be able to do.

Don’t like it?  Well, just because you can, does that mean you should? That’s why they have wine.

Through the Eyes of My Crazy, Somewhat Weird Child

When my child was a preschooler, he was often a great source of entertainment in the things he would say, but I have to admit, it was nothing compared to today.  Despite other issues middle school age may bring, he has never made me laugh more.

Today alone he has been a constant mood-lifter. 

This morning, on the radio, there was a bit about how many years of our lives we spending doing things like sleeping and working.  He has been thinking about this concept all day.  When we got home this afternoon, a salesman knocked at our door and after was able to interrupt him and tell him no thank you and closed the door, Aiden said “We only have like 4 months of free time, we don’t have time to hear about windows!”

His new thing, on the way home from school, he wants me to let him out of the car about ½ mile from home so he can try to race the car.  Yes, sure kid, you will someday win.  Not!  But hey, it’s even better when you tell him you saw an alligator as you let him out, right next to the river.

During baseball practice, another parent was talking to him and said something about him being about 4’6”.  “I AM FOUR FOOT NINE!”  God forbid you short him some height.  He now has a new nickname, “Four Foot Nine of Awesomeness” (Thanks, John!).   I have been calling him that all night.  He said the name is too long, we might need to shorten it.  I asked, “’Four Foot Nine’ or ‘Awesomeness?’”  He replied, “Of.”

Before he went to bed, we watched tonight’s Big Bang Theory which we had DVR’d.  His favorite character is Sheldon.  I’m pretty sure that is because he is the preview of my child as an adult.  If you want to know what my life at home is like, watch a few episodes.  (And then you’ll understand the name of my blog!)  I had to pause it so that he could go into his own diatribe of how he completely agreed with Sheldon on the naming of the Xbox One.  And then I had to hear all about it again when I went to tell him goodnight!

And that’s why they have wine.  Because even the best moments in life go better with a good Pinot Noir.

The Comfort of Routines

Every weekday morning it is the same thing….starting out at 7:45 for my hour and 15 minute commute taking Aiden to school and driving to work.  And the routine is always the same.

About 10 minutes into the drive, Aiden yells, “Horse crossing!”  A little way further, “Donkey!”

Around the time we turn the corner, “Mom, shhhh, the funny guy is on,” referring to the Earl Pitts short on the radio.  As that is ending, “Dream house!” closely followed by “Mini dream house!” and “Truck crossing!”

When we get to the intersection where we inevitably have to wait at the red light, it’s “Middle school high school!”

A few minutes later we are almost to school, as we turn the corner onto the street the school is on, he checks to see if the cows are in the field and the German Shepard is in the yard, and expresses his disappointment if they are not there.  And on we go…

“One…..”

“Two…..”

“Three….”

“Four….”

“Five….um, I think, Five, right Mom?”

“Six….”

“Seven….”

And lastly, in a sing song voice, “….And that’s all the speedbumps in the road!”

Today Aiden started Spring Break so I didn’t have to take him to school.  My drive took half the usual time and I didn’t have to listen to the monologue.  And it just wasn’t the same, I truly missed the morning tradition. 

And, well, I still had to go to work while he was on vacation!  That’s why they have wine.

Just Say No

Earlier this evening I went outside to take out the trash, and Aiden’s friend asked, “Hey, can Aiden play inside my house for a little while?” 

“Sure, if your mom says it’s ok.”

His friend then replied to him, “See, she’ll let you.”

Aiden then ran over and whispered to me, “I don’t want to play inside, can you say I can’t?”

“No,” I quietly said back.  “It will be dark in 10 minutes, you’ll need to come in then,” I then said out loud, and went back in the house.

Five minutes later, he came in, and I got on to him for asking me to lie.  I told him that if you don’t want to do something, you have every right to just say “No.”  I told him that his wants and needs are just as valid as those of someone else, that he doesn’t need to explain his reasons, that what he wants is OK.

I explained that we say what we mean, that’s how we roll.

Or is it? 

How many times do we agree because we are afraid someone may not like us if we don’t?  That they might talk about us behind our backs?  That they may think something bad about us?  Hmm, yep, I’ve done that recently and the reason I was mad about it was because I was mad at myself.

Thank you, kid, for making me realize that sometimes I need to practice what I preach.  Our opinions and our needs and our wants, they are who we ARE, and we don’t need to justify them.  And in this house, we are people that say what we mean, because we are perfectly OK with who we are.

Sometimes we just forget.  That’s why they have wine.

What Is ADHD?

ADD or ADHD are terms that people tend to casually throw around.  Most of the time, they are thrown around as jokes or insults, but in reality it is a difference in how a brain works.  To someone who has it, it is certainly not a joke, and it is very hurtful when it is used as an insult.

I am not a doctor, and my psychology training only goes as far as a BA degree, but I do have a son with this diagnosis, and from there I do have some expertise.

ADHD and ADD used to be two separate diagnoses, but ADD is no longer “official.”  It is now called ADHD-Inattentive Type, and that is what my son is diagnosed with and treated for (along with dyspraxia, dyslexia, and sensory processing issues, things that often go hand in hand with the ADHD disorder).  This is what I can talk about.

Most people define ADHD as “hyperactive.”  It is so much more than that.  In fact, ADHD-Inattentive type literally means ADHD without the hyperactive component.  People diagnosed with this disorder may still have some impulsivity, but if you were to observe them in a classroom, they would not be jumping up and disrupting the class, rather they would probably not be noticed at all because they would be sitting in the back, just quietly staring out the window.

So what is living with ADHD like?

While there are a lot of things that make day to day living hard, there are also some benefits.  Many children with ADHD are above average intelligence, have particular obsessions that they actually are hyperfocused on, and as adults become tremendously successful in life by capitalizing on those GIFTS.  My child’s hyperfocus is baseball, both playing and knowledge about it, nothing can make him pay more attention than baseball, and he would easily be able to turn those skills into something great when he becomes an adult – statistician, coach, etc.

Day to day struggles can include?

My child is unorganized.  He can’t find a shirt in the closet that is directly in front of his face.  He forgets to turn in homework that he did.  His room is never clean.  And it’s always a bit of a scary task to see what has been left in the bottom of his baseball equipment bag.

He makes careless mistakes.  He does things too quickly and doesn’t always put all the thought required for a task.  I have had to help him remove, because it’s difficult with the dyspraxia, quite a few Legos put in the wrong place this evening in building his latest creation because he hasn’t thought something through. (But at least he is DOING the Legos, a new skill he has acquired!)

He loses things daily.  Or maybe even hourly.

One evening we were packing for a weekend getaway and I told him “Go to my room and get a pair of shorts from the basket on my bed.”  He went to my room.  He came back.  “What was I supposed to get?”  I informed him, he went back, but 30 seconds later, “Where am I supposed to get the shorts from?”  Yes, instructions can get overwhelming!

His friends all tend to be several year younger than him, as his interests and emotional maturity level are also “behind.”

And the baseball thing, even though he is obsessed, he can still sometimes forget.  Yesterday, while playing, he forgot what signs used at every game meant, he had what he called “sign overload.”  There was just too much going on in his brain.

He can get so overwhelmed with frustration at all these things that sometimes he has meltdowns.  A meltdown is like a temper tantrum on steroids, one of the main differences being that a child can control a tantrum, but a meltdown actually turns into something that controls the child.  Luckily as he has gotten older, and started taking medication which helps diminish the other symptoms, these are few and far between and he hasn’t had one in over a year, but when he was younger the meltdowns (and trying to avoid them) consumed our lives.

Basically, ADHD is a processing disorder.  We all take information from our environment in, process it, and then spit it back out with an appropriate response.  With ADHD, sometimes not all the information makes it in.  Sometimes, what does get dropped off in the processing portion because there was just too much.  The end result is that it the response then becomes skewed, and thus not always appropriate or the correct action.

ADHD is not a lack of intelligence.  It’s not bad parenting. It’s frustrating, and that frustration can just sometimes compound the response.

My child takes medication.  He does not take it because he has bad behavior or because I can’t control him, it is because he gets extremely unhappy and frustrated when he can’t process things correctly.  He does not do well in school.  He loses all his confidence.  He struggles each and every day.  The medication makes that processing accessible, and thus helps him to be successful and happy and confident.  This may not be the solution for everyone, but it certainly helps with my child and I think to withhold it would be equivalent to abuse.

In my personal life, ADHD is a brilliant, funny, quirky, amazing kid.

…Who can sometimes frustrate the heck out of me!  But that’s why they have wine.

 

They Don't Care That They Lost

After my son’s baseball team had a loss yesterday, a comment was made, “Look at them, they don’t even care that they lost.”  While many people concurred with that statement as being a negative thing, the thought going thought my head was “I’m glad my kid is able to move on.”

Is there a right way to handle a loss or disappointment?  Is it better if you are upset about it or if you are able to just quickly move on?  What does your reaction mean?  Does it vary between personalities? All I know, I like the way my child has learned to handle things.

For me, I seriously am proud of my child for being able to put a bad pitch behind him, a missed catch not affect his next attempt, a lost game become quickly archived as something in the past. 

My child is a perfectionist. A perfectionist with some disabilities that can sometimes get in his way and lead to huge disappointment in himself.  We’ve had our share of school and social struggles, as well as a lot of everyday things that can just be harder than they may be in other families.  I’ve learned over the years to focus on the accomplishments and not the failures.  A “D” is not cause for discipline, but an “A” is a cause for ice cream.  Not wanting to do something with peers is accepted, but going to a party or out to a team meal is cause for praise.

So, today his team lost again.  Getting thrown out at first and not being able to get to a ball fast enough to get an out against the other team are just part of the game.  His 12 pitch inning and fantastic catch in right field made the day exceptional.  The loss was behind him before he even left the dugout, and he is proud of his effort.  As it should be.  Baseball is the area of his life where he is truly able to have fun and have pride in himself, because after all, the game of baseball is just that, a game.

Maybe for some people, it is better that they show their disappointment in a failure because they expect the success.  For my child, it is better to ignore the failure and take pride in accomplishments, no matter how small they may be.   I don’t want him to care about a loss, I want him to celebrate his wins.  It’s what works for us.

So here is a toast to my awesome kid, who got a 105% on his science test this week, who was having fun with his teammates yesterday, and who put in all of his effort in his game today.  That is why they have wine.

Tales of a Compassionless American

I have no compassion.  I don’t care about anyone.  I am arrogant.  Or the best one yet, I’ve apparently never endured hardship. 

At least that is what I have been told, on quite a few occasions.  Especially on social media, but also in person, often by people who know me well and sometimes even by people I have been generous and compassionate with in their own circumstances.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  Perhaps it is because I don’t label myself as they do, possibly it is because I’m not afraid to go against popular sentiment on a particular issue, maybe it is because they assume a label I may have means they know my beliefs better than me.    Maybe it’s something different entirely.  I have a difficult time figuring out why some people would choose to associate with me if they truly think I am the terrible person they have accused me of being.

The primary concept that influences my beliefs about life is that I feel people are capable.  I have faith in people.  I believe everyone has a need to feel a sense of accomplishment and confidence to be the best person they can be.

I don’t give my child everything he wants not only because I don’t have limitless money, but because I want him to learn the value of things, and, more importantly, because I want him to know that “things” are not what is going to bring him real joy in life.  I teach him life skills so that he will be able to take care of himself when he is older.  I allow him to suffer the consequences of actions so that he knows that they exist and that they have to be dealt with, even if that action was accidental.  I don’t rescue and I don’t fix, but I do work with him, sometimes in conjunction with others such as peers or teachers, on coming to solutions for problems  - solutions that he can execute himself or be a party to.  I do this because I love and care for him and want him to know the true happiness of being an independent, confident human being full of potential.

I feel the same about the world in general as I do my child.   I think the world is full of people who are full of potential, who are smart, enterprising, strong, and who will, as we all do, encounter things in life that are not always pretty.  As my mom says they “will not melt” if life is not perfect and something negative happens, rather they have the ability to learn from it.  There are exceptions to every rule, but those exceptions are not the norm.   There are also those who choose not to be the best they can be, and, well, that is their choice.   But for the majority, is it really better to treat them as if they WILL melt?  Is this what you would teach your child? 

I have faith in people.  I believe we are all much stronger than many of us believe we are.  I’m the one who will tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  And with that, I will proudly claim my title of a compassionless American. 

Here’s to everyone, and to everything I know you can do, endure, and overcome, if that is what you choose to do.  That’s why they have wine.