Some Things Never Change. Sometimes They Have To.

Some things never change.  Sometimes they have to.

I just stood there filled with anxiety, heart racing, face turned, eyes squinted, spoon pushed against the seam, just like I did the first time 40 years ago.  Yes, I was opening a can of crescent rolls.  To make probably the same thing I made that day, crescent roll wrapped hot dogs, the gourmet food of the 1970’s.  And of course I jumped when the can popped, the same way I have a hundred times.

Today, however, instead of a package of mystery meat hot dogs that cost less than $1, these were $5 organic turkey dogs.  Turkey dogs because those are the hot dogs my 14 year old likes, and if you give him other than that, he makes that same face you make when you take a sip of milk when you were expecting a Coke when he takes his first bite, because it is not what he was anticipating. 

Some things stay the same, some things don’t.

Three years ago, I found a school for my son where he truly fit in and could prosper.  Three years of middle school filled with great friends, little peer pressure, and where he went from failing a grade to being a straight “A” student.  Three years of no crying over homework, no drama with classmates, no negative calls or emails from teachers or the principal, no meetings about 504 plan accommodations.  Three years of a happy kid.  Three years that flew by in their pleasantness.

Three years later, however, that kid who was ecstatic at orientation that there was another boy shorter than him is now taller than me.  He buys his own expensive sneakers.  He eats more than anyone else in the house.  The last of his toys are in a couple boxes next to me, to be posted to sell on EBay. He wore cologne to school today.

This week I have to fill out paperwork indicating if he is returning to his school next year.  I am almost finished with the application for the school we intend to send him to instead.

He’ll be starting high school.

Sometimes things have to change.  While he could remain at his current school for high school, it is not college prep oriented and there is not a sports program.  Some things don’t change, he still has his neurological issues and learning disabilities.  Finding the balance between the two is scary, maybe even more for me than for him.

The school we found to be the best fit is in a different city.  On days I don’t have meetings, I’ll likely be working from the public library to save myself some gas and driving.  While he has a scholarship from the state for children with disabilities, the tuition is twice his scholarship amount, thus the boxes of stuff we are selling on EBay and the changes that have to be made to our budget.  While we know what to expect at his current school, next year is a mystery.  He doesn’t know any of the other students, any of the teachers, what his day will be like.

It’s a change, however, we need to make.  That’s why they have wine.  I’ll just have to remember not to expect it to be in my glass when I have milk instead.

The Arrogance of Perfection

A recent (like 20 minutes ago) conversation has me thinking…we like to claim we are accepting of all people, but who do we really accept at face value?

I have a child that is diagnosed, after EKG’s, interviews, questionnaires filled out by myself and teachers, and a physical, with ADHD-Inattentive Type by a pediatric neurologist.  He is also diagnosed with Dyspraxia and Sensory Processing issues.

The armchair doctors, however, have doubts about any of these issues, for any child.

I will not tell you that my child has always been the image of perfection.  He has not.  For goodness sakes, when he was 3, there was nothing you could do to convince me he was not the child of Satan, especially the day he put every towel we owned in the toilet when he was 3 because I told him it was bathtime, and I ended up telling my husband to go in the bathroom and clean him because I was done, and I actually left the house, walking the neighborhood bawling my eyes out.

And that was an easy day.

I, every year, at our annual doctors appointment (my preemie NEVER gets sick, thank GOD!) would tell the doctor I thought there might be issues.  Every year I was told he was “just a boy.”  Till the year he was THIS CLOSE to failing 5^th grade, and I went for a special appointment.  To have an actual diagnosis, by a reputable doctor, of ADHD, you have to be having particular issues in at least 2 areas of life.  Though he always had them at home, and actually had them at school for several years, they became much more apparent in the 5^th grade.  That, and that we actually had a teacher who realized he was not stupid but had issues (and yes, I’m sorry, well not sorry, if this offends anyone, but many teachers just assume you have idiot parents and are doomed to be a dumb student, at least the ones my son had), and helped me to get  the paperwork done.

We had occupational therapy and neurological evaluations.  And then we had the thing that helped my son get what he needed at school – a diagnosis.

You get mixed feelings.  Feelings that, wow, my child has something wrong..  And then the opposite feelings that, wow, now we can actually convince people he is not dumb, not lazy, not the victim of a parent that doesn’t want to discipline him.

And then you feel the anger at those who tell you that your child doesn’t have a real illness.

Skipping ahead of much heartache and struggling, I eventually discovered a private school that was exclusively for children with learning disabilities. They were willing to accept my child, though he was failing 6^th grade.  They accepted a McKay scholarship, which my son was eligible for because I had eventually convinced the school to give him a 504 plan (though they wouldn’t give an IEP which is probably what he really needed, but apparently I don’t know the politics to getting one.) Iapplied for one, I got it, and it’s been smooth sailing.  The kid who actually failed 6^th grade and repeated it his first year at his new school has had ONE B in the last 2 plus years, is in the most advanced classes, and tested at 12^th grade level on his standardized test.

I am telling you all of this to lead to this point…no one makes fun of him.

No one.  And he makes fun of no one.  This is a school where everyone has an issue, everyone.  They are far in range. But all of the kids accept the others.  Even in middle and high school classes.  I’ve volunteered at or attended several special events, and I can tell you this is not what you would see in your average middle or high school.

These kids all know they go to that school for a reason, and so do their classmates.  I think that is what makes them so humble and accepting, and WONDERFUL.  They realize they are not perfect, and they realize that they are still great kids despite that.

If only the rest of us could.

None of us our “better” than others, though many find themselves to be superior.  We all fall short.  Every single one of us.  None of us are perfect.  None of us have the capability to be.

God bless those kids at my son’s school who get that. They are the ones who should be our examples

.

It's hard to convince people of that, I've had enough conversations with people to prove that. That’s why they have wine.

I Am Grateful

As I woke up this morning, earlier than I would have liked, to start preparing Thanksgiving dinner, I realized just how blessed I really am.

I am grateful that my oven now actually heats to the temperature it says it does.

I am grateful for a company called Dinner Done exists to help me out, not only with Thanksgiving side dishes, but with full dinners during those times when our life is too hectic and I only have a small amount of time to get things done.  I may still have to cook it, but all the ingredients are right there, and they are fresh, natural, and healthy.

I am grateful for the acne pads I use every morning on my face, because pimples inside of wrinkles are not pretty.

I am grateful that although I have gained weight, I can afford new clothes to fit me.

I am grateful that we were out of sugar and I didn’t realize it, because that means that we don’t depend on it daily in our diet.

I am thankful that Winn Dixie was open today so I could buy some more sugar, because my teenager just would not consider it to be Thanksgiving without his homemade cranberry sauce.  It also meant I got in some steps towards the Fitbit challenge that my friend, Christine, started for Thanksgiving day!

I am grateful for Christine, for trying to keep us on track, because Lord knows I would otherwise just try to eat as much as possible and be lazy.

I am grateful for the big smile I will see on my teen’s face when he realizes I bought him sparkling grape juice, and that will probably occur 10 minutes after I post this blog.

I am grateful that there was no school this week, and didn’t have to spend 2 plus hours a day in the car.

I am grateful that I have a car that I absolutely love, a lime green Mustang, to spend those two hours a day in when I need to.

I am grateful that though school is a bit of a drive away, that it exists and essentially “saved” my son both academically and socially.

I am grateful that God gave me a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and an amazing son and husband, and that they all have someone to share their Thanksgiving with.

And, of course, I’m grateful for wine.  And all this other stuff is why they have it!

Life doesn’t have to be extravagant to be great.  We all have a list that can go on much longer than this, with just the simple things.  Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Pre-Flight Instructions

You know how when you get on a plane, they instruct you, in case of emergency, to use your air mask on yourself before using it on your child? (Ha, this is the second situation this week I'm using this analogy for!) Well, that is because you need to take care of yourself first to be in a condition to be able to take care of someone else.

It goes against every instinct you have as a parent. It makes you feel like you are being selfish and uncaring. It doesn't seem like the "compassionate" thing to do. Yet, it is necessary.

Our country's first priority is to protect and take care of it's own citizens. We need to make sure we've got that taken care of, before we can reach out and help others.

If we defy that instruction to use the air mask on ourselves first, we may risk the lives of both ourselves and our child.

If we deny that we need to take care of our own citizens, we are risking the livelihoods of both them and those we would like to help, if not the lives of both.

Wanting to scrutinize who comes in to our country, be it refugees, people casually crossing our southern border illegally, or all of those who actually go through the lengthy process to come here legally, is not paranoid or stupid. Wanting to make sure we can take care of our homeless and needy American citizens, especially those who served in our military, before we help others, is not uncompassionate.

Right now, we've often been failing in both protecting and taking care of our own citizens. Many people are concerned that this is going to get even worse. Calling them names, calling them stupid, saying they don't care, how is that going to help? They need to feel secure in the choices they are making. If your child found someone to be scary because the way they dressed was not what they were used to seeing, would you call them an uncompassionate, hating, idiotic Nazi? Or would you express you lovingly explain to them why you feel how you do, while acknowledging that fear is a normal reaction to the unknown?

Personally, I think our greatest physical threat comes from our we-only-pretend-to-be-protected borders, rather than from refugees. Someone who wants to do harm isn't going to care about the legality of getting here to do it. I am, however, concerned that we don't have all the resources to take care of people from other countries when I pass people begging on street corners every day. You can call me selfish, scared, xenophobic, whatever you want for that, but it doesn't make it so. I just tend to look at the big picture and find where there could be things that could cause a plan to not work as we want. There are plenty of other people who think like I do. I think it is wonderful that people want to help the others of the world, but the Spock side of me just sometimes wonders if it is practical.

I will use the air mask on myself first.

That's why they have wine.

You Know You Are A Baseball Mom When....

You know you are a Baseball Mom when:

1.        Your weekly laundry consists of a load of nothing but baseball pants.

2.       You own a bar of Fels-Naptha.

3.       You have something in your home called “the baseball bag” that gets taken to every game, double header, and tournament, and even sometimes practice, but it contains no actual baseball equipment.  Ours contains sunscreen, bug spray, towels (for wet bleachers or balls), ibuprofen, Benadryl, snacks, umbrellas, and a magazine or two. 

4.       You have yelled out the words “Protect the plate!”

5.       You own t-shirts or jewelry with your child’s team name or jersey number.

6.       You feel like you should own stock in Gatorade.

7.       You know what the infield fly rule is.

8.       Sleeping till 9 am on a Saturday is an extremely rare luxury.

9.       You have cleaned clay from your car, your carpet, or your own shoes.

10.   You have a network of other baseball parents and players you truly consider extended family, because you probably spend more time with them than your actual extended family!

Most of all, you know you are a baseball mom because you love watching your child play and are tremendously proud of them.

A toast to my fellow baseball moms!  That’s why they have wine.

It's Time For Some ADHD Awareness

October is ADHD Awareness Month.  So, that is what I would like to do, raise awareness.

Why do I think it needs to be raised?  Daily, I see the memes on social media implying that ADHD is not a real disability, but rather a lack of discipline.  From strangers, this is mildly annoying.  From people who know my child, many of whom will testify to what a respectful, well-behaved, all around GOOD kid he is, it is downright infuriating.

1.        ADHD is not a synonym for hyperactivity.  Hyperactivity can exist without ADHD, ADHD can exist (yep, it really can, it’s called ADHD-Inattentive type – used to be called ADD-  and is what my son has) without hyperactivity.

2.       People with ADHD have difficulty with executive functioning.  Executive functioning includes tasks that help us learn new information, remember and retrieve information we've learned in the past, and use this information to solve problems of everyday life.

3.       ADHD cannot be cured by a spanking, eliminating artificial coloring or gluten, or taking away sugar.  If your child’s quality of life improves after any of these things, he a.  wasn’t disciplined, b. had a food sensitivity or allergy, or c. was suffering from sugar crash.  Ironically, my child is actually allergic to artificial food coloring.  Removing it from his diet keeps his face from swelling, but it doesn’t help him to follow multi-step directions or remember to bring his homework home.

4.       Medication does not, or at least should not, make a child a “zombie.”  If your child cannot function on their medication, or appears to be something from the Walking Dead, newsflash…they are on the wrong medication or too high of a dose.  The correct medication does not change a child’s personality.  It does not make them stoned or high.  It just helps their brain to filter out all the extraneous information so they can concentrate on what they need to.  Sometimes it takes some trial or error to get the right medication.  It is very similar to other medications that work on the brain, like anti-depressants, in that certain ones don’t work for certain people.  You have to find the right one.  A child on the correct medication is a higher-functioning, happier human being.  And trust me, it doesn’t take away their sarcasm, dark sense of humor, athletic abilities, or passions, if that is what they were BEFORE the meds.  It actually helps them fine hone those “skills.”  It does help them focus, remember, follow directions, and enjoy life.

5.       Parents don’t make the decision to medicate their child because they are lazy.  Frustrated, out of options, crying every night in the bathroom because they feel incapable of helping their child to be a happy kid, fed up with standardized testing, hurt because no one invites their child to parties or overnights, and a huge amount of love, yes, this leads to that decision.  Laziness?  You show me any parent of a child with ADHD, and I will show you some of the strongest, most able to handle a crisis, compassionate, and headstrong people you will ever meet.  God gave me this child because he knew I needed the ability to stand up for myself and not take any crap and accomplish ANYTHING that needs to get done, and, my goodness, I now certainly have that ability.  And I’m able to model that for my child.

6.       People with ADHD are not stupid.  In fact, they are usually exceptionally intelligent.  They have so much going on in their brains sometimes it is hard for them to filter out the important stuff sometimes, but they are ALWAYS thinking.  School can be difficult because they may be taught in a way that is not the way they learn, or they may just be bored.  They need to be challenged and stimulated to learn.  Putting them in the back of the class and assuming they will have nothing to say is a huge disservice not only to them, but to all those that they could effect in their lives if only given the chance.

7.       People with ADHD often have obsessions or activities they are hyperfocused on.  My own child cycles through his obsessions….games, magic tricks, Legos, play dough, WWE, and Crayola marker maker are just a few that have consumed him, been completely forgotten about, and then consumed him again.  Baseball is his hyperfocus.  When he steps on a field, he notices nothing else.  He memorizes signs quickly, picks up newly taught skills with ease, comes home and accurately tells me his teammates batting stats for the game (if only they taught math in terms of baseball stats), and actually focuses even better if the other team heckles him when he is pitching.

8.       Kids with ADHD often have some sensory sensitivities.  Things get overwhelming.  That meltdown in the middle of Disney World is likely not from lack of discipline or a need for a nap, but rather from overstimulation.  Crowds, noises, smells, sights, sounds….We go through life doing things on off days or early hours before there are crowds, leaving as soon as the first sign of overstimulation appears (luckily my child is now a teen and can tell me when he needs to leave), and just not doing particular things. We tend to get nice hotel rooms when traveling because we spend a lot of time there! For my son, even the grocery store is a horrible place.  When he was a toddler, he threw huge tantrums and threw things out of the cart.  As a teen he stays home, but can tolerate an under 20 minute run for a list of items you must specify to him before going inside (and he does help to get them quickly) in a pinch.  He’s not being a brat, he just knows his limits.  If we do something like a professional baseball game, we get there EARLY, while we can walk the stadium and find our seats and get food without many people around, and once he sits down, he does not get up again until it’s over (well, usually almost over, so we can get out before the crowds!).  The overstimulation can be literally painful.

9.       While there may be some children that are diagnosed ADHD that shouldn’t be, it really isn’t a process that consists of telling your pediatrician your child has ADHD and they hand you some meds.  My child is treated by a pediatric neurologist.  We had to get an occupational therapy evaluation, an EEG, a physical exam, an interview, blood tests, and questionnaires filled out by me and by his teachers as part of the process.  He has to see his doctor every 3-4 months, and every month I have to drive across town to pick up a written prescription for his medication (they can’t be called in to a pharmacy, nor are refills allowed, as they are considered a controlled substance).  I have to find a pharmacy that can actually fill his medication (there are federal regulations on the percentage of controlled substances, regardless of what it is, that can be dispensed by a pharmacy.  Once they are past it, that’s it…and the chain pharmacies have their own additional ridiculous policies, such as that you can’t bring in a new prescription until 28 days after the last was filled, and then they won’t fill it for 72 hours…leaving your child without meds one day every month). And the GENERIC version of the medication my son takes is over $160 per month.  It’s not a fun, cheap, or stress-free process.  People don’t have their child diagnosed just for the hell of it.

In summary, those memes and comments and jokes are a bunch of BS.  If you know me, think about that 14 year old boy you know, and how he feels when he sees and hears that stuff.  If you don’t, think about the child I’m sure you know somewhere with the same diagnosis.  There are some very wonderful kids out who you could be encouraging instead of putting down.

That’s why they have wine.

Sometimes A Parent Just Needs To Be Heard

It’s that time of the year…that time where are there a lot of strong feelings.  For some, those are feelings of dread, for others relief, for others worry that their children our growing just way too quickly.  Yep, it’s back to school.

It’s also that time of year where you see a ton of articles, blogs, posts, and comments about underpaid teachers, overworked teachers, lack of appreciation for teachers, how difficult it is to be a teacher, teachers needing to buy their own supplies, and the terrible parent’s that teachers have to deal with.

I get all that.  Someone who sings a few songs they didn’t even write themselves can be a billionaire, while a person that is supposed to be helping to prepare our children for their futures is buying their shoes at Walmart.  Teachers often do preparation at home, after school or on the weekends.  There are children who are raised without discipline that can be disruptive to a classroom.  There are parents who refuse to believe that anything their children do can possibly be blamed on their children.

However, I’d like to write something from the perspective of parents, because I think many of us can be misunderstood. 

1.  We don’t live in a bubble with our “special snowflake” of a child.  We have problems too.  And if that problem is with our child, we might actually be able to impart some knowledge on how he is best dealt with, and when we try to tell you it is for both his AND your benefit, it is not an insult.  All kids are different.  Every single one of them.  Your biggest source of knowledge about each of those individuals are the people that live with them.

2.  Lots of jobs are underpaid.  You can pretty safely assume a large part of the parents you deal with are.  A $200 school supply list for each child, each year, can be a very stressful, if not impossible, task to complete.  And if the list contains something that can only be found at one store across town, from noon till 2 pm, and we got the list the night before, we are trying very, very, very hard not to break down in the wine aisle of Target in a puddle of tears, begging for a corkscrew.

3.  I may show up in shorts and a t-shirt in the drop off and pick up line, talking on the phone and signaling to my child to shush when he gets in the car.  That obvious-to-you self-involvement is actually a professional mom who started her day logged in to her computer 30 minutes before the drive to school, because she works from home.  I’m often on work calls or in a teleconference in the car, even though pick-up time is technically my lunch hour.  I go back home and work till at least 5, sometimes it can be midnight.  I’m salaried, and don’t get paid overtime for the hours beyond 40 I work each week, but I’m lucky I can work those extra hours at my home.  My husband, who works 60 hours a week, also salaried so is paid for 40, does not have that luxury.  We’re fairly typical parents.  In between all that, we all help with homework, projects, and school friend drama, and we cook dinner and make sure our children have clean clothes for school and get to their sports practices and occasionally even squeeze in five minutes to use the bathroom.  Sometimes a science project is due the same day as a work project and we are operating on 2 hours of sleep.  If we forgot to sign the agenda book, it’s probably because we were overwhelmed by the dog eating the table leg and we didn’t get our coffee made, not because we don’t care.

4.  We want the classroom to have discipline.  We want our children to gain knowledge.  We WANT to know if they are having problems in either of those areas.  I would love for you to call me, or send me an email, to let me know he might need extra help in some area.   Not finding out till we’ve gotten the report card with an “F” makes me feel like no one cares.  I need to know BEFORE the test, I can’t help with something I know nothing about.  I may not be a teacher, but I actually still know some stuff, and if I don’t know the specific topic, I do know how to Google and figure it out.  I may be busy and forgot to brush my hair and put my pants on backwards, but I do love my child enough to do what I need to do to help him with anything.  That also includes behavior.  If my child jumps up and down and turns in a circle and it’s not allowed, I want to know.  We have expectations in our home, and it’s hard to enforce them without knowledge of the infractions.

5.  We know there are pain-in-the-rear parents.  Their children play at our house or on our kids’ teams.  We don’t, thankfully, absorb their personalities by being around them however.  Most of us are pretty nice people.  If I curse at you and tell you that there is no way my child could have thrown a wad of paper across the room, think what you will.  Otherwise, please give me a chance.  And a glass of wine can help if it’s really bad.

6.  Some of us have had experiences with former teachers that left a very bad taste in our mouths.  Things like calling us in for a mandatory conference, and then needing a physical description of my child to know who they are because their name provides no recognition.  Things like not showing up at a mandatory conference that was called.  Things like telling my child that he is not smart enough for a book in the library, though he actually reads above that level.  Things like not knowing that a child even has an IEP or 504 plan after teaching him a whole quarter. Things that make us just a little scared at the beginning of each school year.  Be warm and open to us, listen to what we have to say, we have real worries.  That understanding, that acknowledgement, that validation, THAT is what lets me know you truly have faith in your own abilities as a teacher.

I do thank teachers for what they do, I’m sure it is an exhausting job.  I love all of my son's teachers, we have not had an issue with one in many years.  But some days I’d just like to be understood and appreciated as a parent, and in the past that may have made some real differences in our lives. We'd all be better off if we stay on the same team.

That’s why they have wine.