The Comfort of Routines

Every weekday morning it is the same thing….starting out at 7:45 for my hour and 15 minute commute taking Aiden to school and driving to work.  And the routine is always the same.

About 10 minutes into the drive, Aiden yells, “Horse crossing!”  A little way further, “Donkey!”

Around the time we turn the corner, “Mom, shhhh, the funny guy is on,” referring to the Earl Pitts short on the radio.  As that is ending, “Dream house!” closely followed by “Mini dream house!” and “Truck crossing!”

When we get to the intersection where we inevitably have to wait at the red light, it’s “Middle school high school!”

A few minutes later we are almost to school, as we turn the corner onto the street the school is on, he checks to see if the cows are in the field and the German Shepard is in the yard, and expresses his disappointment if they are not there.  And on we go…

“One…..”

“Two…..”

“Three….”

“Four….”

“Five….um, I think, Five, right Mom?”

“Six….”

“Seven….”

And lastly, in a sing song voice, “….And that’s all the speedbumps in the road!”

Today Aiden started Spring Break so I didn’t have to take him to school.  My drive took half the usual time and I didn’t have to listen to the monologue.  And it just wasn’t the same, I truly missed the morning tradition. 

And, well, I still had to go to work while he was on vacation!  That’s why they have wine.

Just Say No

Earlier this evening I went outside to take out the trash, and Aiden’s friend asked, “Hey, can Aiden play inside my house for a little while?” 

“Sure, if your mom says it’s ok.”

His friend then replied to him, “See, she’ll let you.”

Aiden then ran over and whispered to me, “I don’t want to play inside, can you say I can’t?”

“No,” I quietly said back.  “It will be dark in 10 minutes, you’ll need to come in then,” I then said out loud, and went back in the house.

Five minutes later, he came in, and I got on to him for asking me to lie.  I told him that if you don’t want to do something, you have every right to just say “No.”  I told him that his wants and needs are just as valid as those of someone else, that he doesn’t need to explain his reasons, that what he wants is OK.

I explained that we say what we mean, that’s how we roll.

Or is it? 

How many times do we agree because we are afraid someone may not like us if we don’t?  That they might talk about us behind our backs?  That they may think something bad about us?  Hmm, yep, I’ve done that recently and the reason I was mad about it was because I was mad at myself.

Thank you, kid, for making me realize that sometimes I need to practice what I preach.  Our opinions and our needs and our wants, they are who we ARE, and we don’t need to justify them.  And in this house, we are people that say what we mean, because we are perfectly OK with who we are.

Sometimes we just forget.  That’s why they have wine.

What Is ADHD?

ADD or ADHD are terms that people tend to casually throw around.  Most of the time, they are thrown around as jokes or insults, but in reality it is a difference in how a brain works.  To someone who has it, it is certainly not a joke, and it is very hurtful when it is used as an insult.

I am not a doctor, and my psychology training only goes as far as a BA degree, but I do have a son with this diagnosis, and from there I do have some expertise.

ADHD and ADD used to be two separate diagnoses, but ADD is no longer “official.”  It is now called ADHD-Inattentive Type, and that is what my son is diagnosed with and treated for (along with dyspraxia, dyslexia, and sensory processing issues, things that often go hand in hand with the ADHD disorder).  This is what I can talk about.

Most people define ADHD as “hyperactive.”  It is so much more than that.  In fact, ADHD-Inattentive type literally means ADHD without the hyperactive component.  People diagnosed with this disorder may still have some impulsivity, but if you were to observe them in a classroom, they would not be jumping up and disrupting the class, rather they would probably not be noticed at all because they would be sitting in the back, just quietly staring out the window.

So what is living with ADHD like?

While there are a lot of things that make day to day living hard, there are also some benefits.  Many children with ADHD are above average intelligence, have particular obsessions that they actually are hyperfocused on, and as adults become tremendously successful in life by capitalizing on those GIFTS.  My child’s hyperfocus is baseball, both playing and knowledge about it, nothing can make him pay more attention than baseball, and he would easily be able to turn those skills into something great when he becomes an adult – statistician, coach, etc.

Day to day struggles can include?

My child is unorganized.  He can’t find a shirt in the closet that is directly in front of his face.  He forgets to turn in homework that he did.  His room is never clean.  And it’s always a bit of a scary task to see what has been left in the bottom of his baseball equipment bag.

He makes careless mistakes.  He does things too quickly and doesn’t always put all the thought required for a task.  I have had to help him remove, because it’s difficult with the dyspraxia, quite a few Legos put in the wrong place this evening in building his latest creation because he hasn’t thought something through. (But at least he is DOING the Legos, a new skill he has acquired!)

He loses things daily.  Or maybe even hourly.

One evening we were packing for a weekend getaway and I told him “Go to my room and get a pair of shorts from the basket on my bed.”  He went to my room.  He came back.  “What was I supposed to get?”  I informed him, he went back, but 30 seconds later, “Where am I supposed to get the shorts from?”  Yes, instructions can get overwhelming!

His friends all tend to be several year younger than him, as his interests and emotional maturity level are also “behind.”

And the baseball thing, even though he is obsessed, he can still sometimes forget.  Yesterday, while playing, he forgot what signs used at every game meant, he had what he called “sign overload.”  There was just too much going on in his brain.

He can get so overwhelmed with frustration at all these things that sometimes he has meltdowns.  A meltdown is like a temper tantrum on steroids, one of the main differences being that a child can control a tantrum, but a meltdown actually turns into something that controls the child.  Luckily as he has gotten older, and started taking medication which helps diminish the other symptoms, these are few and far between and he hasn’t had one in over a year, but when he was younger the meltdowns (and trying to avoid them) consumed our lives.

Basically, ADHD is a processing disorder.  We all take information from our environment in, process it, and then spit it back out with an appropriate response.  With ADHD, sometimes not all the information makes it in.  Sometimes, what does get dropped off in the processing portion because there was just too much.  The end result is that it the response then becomes skewed, and thus not always appropriate or the correct action.

ADHD is not a lack of intelligence.  It’s not bad parenting. It’s frustrating, and that frustration can just sometimes compound the response.

My child takes medication.  He does not take it because he has bad behavior or because I can’t control him, it is because he gets extremely unhappy and frustrated when he can’t process things correctly.  He does not do well in school.  He loses all his confidence.  He struggles each and every day.  The medication makes that processing accessible, and thus helps him to be successful and happy and confident.  This may not be the solution for everyone, but it certainly helps with my child and I think to withhold it would be equivalent to abuse.

In my personal life, ADHD is a brilliant, funny, quirky, amazing kid.

…Who can sometimes frustrate the heck out of me!  But that’s why they have wine.

 

They Don't Care That They Lost

After my son’s baseball team had a loss yesterday, a comment was made, “Look at them, they don’t even care that they lost.”  While many people concurred with that statement as being a negative thing, the thought going thought my head was “I’m glad my kid is able to move on.”

Is there a right way to handle a loss or disappointment?  Is it better if you are upset about it or if you are able to just quickly move on?  What does your reaction mean?  Does it vary between personalities? All I know, I like the way my child has learned to handle things.

For me, I seriously am proud of my child for being able to put a bad pitch behind him, a missed catch not affect his next attempt, a lost game become quickly archived as something in the past. 

My child is a perfectionist. A perfectionist with some disabilities that can sometimes get in his way and lead to huge disappointment in himself.  We’ve had our share of school and social struggles, as well as a lot of everyday things that can just be harder than they may be in other families.  I’ve learned over the years to focus on the accomplishments and not the failures.  A “D” is not cause for discipline, but an “A” is a cause for ice cream.  Not wanting to do something with peers is accepted, but going to a party or out to a team meal is cause for praise.

So, today his team lost again.  Getting thrown out at first and not being able to get to a ball fast enough to get an out against the other team are just part of the game.  His 12 pitch inning and fantastic catch in right field made the day exceptional.  The loss was behind him before he even left the dugout, and he is proud of his effort.  As it should be.  Baseball is the area of his life where he is truly able to have fun and have pride in himself, because after all, the game of baseball is just that, a game.

Maybe for some people, it is better that they show their disappointment in a failure because they expect the success.  For my child, it is better to ignore the failure and take pride in accomplishments, no matter how small they may be.   I don’t want him to care about a loss, I want him to celebrate his wins.  It’s what works for us.

So here is a toast to my awesome kid, who got a 105% on his science test this week, who was having fun with his teammates yesterday, and who put in all of his effort in his game today.  That is why they have wine.

Tales of a Compassionless American

I have no compassion.  I don’t care about anyone.  I am arrogant.  Or the best one yet, I’ve apparently never endured hardship. 

At least that is what I have been told, on quite a few occasions.  Especially on social media, but also in person, often by people who know me well and sometimes even by people I have been generous and compassionate with in their own circumstances.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  Perhaps it is because I don’t label myself as they do, possibly it is because I’m not afraid to go against popular sentiment on a particular issue, maybe it is because they assume a label I may have means they know my beliefs better than me.    Maybe it’s something different entirely.  I have a difficult time figuring out why some people would choose to associate with me if they truly think I am the terrible person they have accused me of being.

The primary concept that influences my beliefs about life is that I feel people are capable.  I have faith in people.  I believe everyone has a need to feel a sense of accomplishment and confidence to be the best person they can be.

I don’t give my child everything he wants not only because I don’t have limitless money, but because I want him to learn the value of things, and, more importantly, because I want him to know that “things” are not what is going to bring him real joy in life.  I teach him life skills so that he will be able to take care of himself when he is older.  I allow him to suffer the consequences of actions so that he knows that they exist and that they have to be dealt with, even if that action was accidental.  I don’t rescue and I don’t fix, but I do work with him, sometimes in conjunction with others such as peers or teachers, on coming to solutions for problems  - solutions that he can execute himself or be a party to.  I do this because I love and care for him and want him to know the true happiness of being an independent, confident human being full of potential.

I feel the same about the world in general as I do my child.   I think the world is full of people who are full of potential, who are smart, enterprising, strong, and who will, as we all do, encounter things in life that are not always pretty.  As my mom says they “will not melt” if life is not perfect and something negative happens, rather they have the ability to learn from it.  There are exceptions to every rule, but those exceptions are not the norm.   There are also those who choose not to be the best they can be, and, well, that is their choice.   But for the majority, is it really better to treat them as if they WILL melt?  Is this what you would teach your child? 

I have faith in people.  I believe we are all much stronger than many of us believe we are.  I’m the one who will tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  And with that, I will proudly claim my title of a compassionless American. 

Here’s to everyone, and to everything I know you can do, endure, and overcome, if that is what you choose to do.  That’s why they have wine.

Don't Play Games With Me

Don’t play games with me.

Literally. 

While I also don’t play relationship games, board games make me want to scream and tear my hair out.  I hate them.  Really, really hate them. 

I like puzzles and games I can play by myself, against myself, trying to outdo myself.  As a matter of fact, I can find myself playing Solitaire for hours, just trying to beat my own score.  I can tolerate trivia games because I just like to see if I can get the answer right.  But your ordinary, run-of-the-mill board game, I will find any excuse not to play them.

I am an introvert, and always have been.  I enjoy my own company.  When I was a child, I would have much rather been sitting up in the tree in the front yard reading a book than anything else.  Unfortunately, my parents felt that they must socialize me and would force me to play board games with the family.  The sight of a Candy Land box still gives me nightmares.

And so of course I gave birth to the most competitive child on the face of the earth.  He can make a game out of anything, but he holds a very special place in his heart for those evil board games.  I bought him a pinball-type baseball game for Christmas figuring he could play it by himself, but no, he has “scheduled” an entire season of games, brackets and all, with my husband and me being the other teams.  I did not sign up for this league, which I am pretty sure is called the “League From Hell,” because you are not allowed to forfeit and rescheduling for any time other than “Ok, mom, I want to play right now” is almost impossible.

Somehow I managed to convince Aiden to delay my scheduled Sunday game against him because I wanted to watch the Grammy Awards, and then I managed to delay it a couple of more days because I was sick.  Tonight, however, as I was cleaning the kitchen, I heard “Ok, mom, it’s time!”  The fact that I needed to finish cleaning, pack lunches, and do laundry made no difference, though I did manage to finagle a 3-inning game rather than the usual 6 by refusing to cut and peel his mango otherwise.

So, thinking I was being smart, I asked to bat first.  I figured that would at least get me down another half inning because he would be beating me and there would be no need to bat.  God, probably convinced by my mother, had obviously decided I needed to play games with my child though because I managed , as hard as I tried to just strike out every at-bat, to score a run in that third inning and tie the game, so on it went.  I’m beginning to think that schedule will make good kindle for the fireplace.

And that’s why they have wine.  Time to finish the laundry and have a glass. 

Cheers! Oh, Wait, What Just Happened In The Game?

My son has played baseball since he was 6.  (Well, organized baseball, we won’t go into how many wiffle balls he hit out into oncoming traffic off a 5-gallon water bottle tee from the backyard prior to that.)  Baseball is his obsession, it is what his life revolves around.  He even has a special place in his brain for stats:  stats of his own team, stats of the Tampa Bay Rays, stats of players I’ve never heard of….ask him anything and you’ll get way more information than you really want to sit and listen to.

We are not unfamiliar with the travel ball circuit.  He briefly played on a travel team when he was 8, he’s filled in as a guest player on teams, he’s been invited to try out on a few over the years.  We’ve seen enough to see the good and the bad.  Sadly, a lot of what we’ve seen just would not be right for our family.  Winning at all costs.  Coaches belittling their players.  Parents insulting the opposing team’s kids. Parents insulting their own team’s kids.  Teams that have vastly different rosters season to season because the parents don’t think their obvious superstar is being treated with the priority status he should have.  A team full of kids who wished they were anywhere but playing baseball.

Yes, coaches need to not coddle their players.  Yes, we all want our children to do well.  Yes, it is great when the team wins.  And yes, some kids do play better than others and ALL of them mess up at some point.  The thing is, when it all comes down to it, this is an activity our children should enjoy, and the parents should be able to enjoy being at the games.  If my family is going to spend most weekends, some of those in a hotel away from home, playing and watching baseball, I don’t want it to be a chore for anyone.

I really realized this weekend we made a good choice in the team my son tried out for and is now playing with.  They don’t win every game, they are not the superstars of the area, they aren’t listed on any top-ranked lists, and they can make some pretty bad errors.  However, I have never seen a team of kids get along so well, support each other, and have as much fun.  And, honestly, sometimes as parent we are having so much fun joking with each other about the game, our kids, each other, or even (gasp!) talking about something non-game related that we don’t see the biggest play of the game.  I like it that way.  My kid is a KID, and if baseball is no longer fun, he won’t be playing it.  I am grateful for a team that he can have that fun on, and that I can too.

I love our baseball family, and for that I raise a toast.  That’s why they have wine!