If It Must Take a Village, At Least Keep The Parent In It

We live in a world where we are often told we are still in the dark ages when it comes to all things sexual, like finding a doctor to prescribe birth control or an adult to talk to a child about sex.

Why is that not the world I see?  Here in 2015, when I took my soon-to-be-13-year-old to the pediatrician last year, he was handed a form to fill out on his own, and that it would be kept confidential.  Today, a year later, when he asked me to help him with a question, the nurse quickly handed the paper back to him and told him that if he answered “No” to the previous question, to put” no” for that one (despite the fact that last year I helped him with ¾ of the questions upon his request, guess I looked like a better parent that day).

A parent is then asked to fill out a form so that the doctor can talk confidentially to the child about their answers, and the parent never has to know.

During the exam, we receive the suggestion to give our child the HPV vaccination.

None of these things are based on the maturity of the child, or even if they have reached puberty, but rather just simple age.  If you ask me, if we were in the dark ages before, we have completely swung the pendulum in the opposite direction.

I know exactly what is on that form, because I had to explain the majority of the questions last year.  It is a form concerning their drug and alcohol use and sexual activity, and obviously my child was still, well, a child, who still needs his parents to help him make decisions, even little ones like how to fill out a form.  Any awkwardness he had was not because his parent was in the room, it was because the questions themselves were beyond his maturity level.  

As far as the parental consent form, I didn’t sign it last year.  If my child can’t fill out the form on his own, he is not ready to discuss it and make decisions about it on his own.  Though I still don’t feel he is ready to make those kinds of decisions on his own, I signed it this year, because I know that he knows that.  He knows that because we talk about that stuff, he knows that because he has learned from past experience that for your parent to be able to help you with any issue, you have to tell them what it is.  He knows that rules and expectations in our house are based on our responsibility as parents to keep him healthy and keep him safe.  I know without a doubt that there would be nothing he would be afraid for the doctor to discuss with me, and as a matter of fact, that discussing with me would make him feel safer and less alone.

I understand that some kids are uncomfortable telling their parents things, but that does NOT mean that their parent is unwilling or incapable of helping them with things.  The discomfort does not relieve the parent of legal responsibility.  I can understand giving a child a third party to talk to, but I do not get keeping the information about one's own child from them.

When asked about the vaccine, I declined it, telling the doctor that was not anything we needed to worry about at this time.  

On the way home, my son thanked me for not making him get a shot, and then asked me what an HPV vaccine was for.  I told him it was a sexually transmitted disease. 

“Do they give the shot in the ARM?” 

“Yes.” 

“How do you catch it?”

I looked at him with an amused look on my face and asked, “How do you catch any SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED disease?”

“Ohhhh!  Duh!”

If you have that discussion….

Yeah, we’ve got some time.  And as a parent, I know that better than anyone else would.  I know that he spends his time playing baseball and football and basketball  and having Nerf wars, that he is in the other room right now, 12 minutes late in feeding his cat (excuse me a  second while I yell to him…) watching card trick you-tube videos and learning new tricks.  I know that he is sensitive, can worry too much, and sometimes can trust too much.  I know he is smart, funny, and often brilliant. His doctor, as much as I love him, does not know him like that.

I know who he is and what he is ready for, and I am perfectly willing and capable of helping him to navigate through his teen years, but now the world has reached a point where they are trying to take that responsibility away from me, from other parents.  The world now assumes that no parent is capable of raising their own child when it comes to matters of sex, especially if they are not giving them condoms for their 12^th birthday.

And I haven't even touched on the subject of 13 year old girls taking hormones, which are NOT harmless for everyone, being prescribed without parental knowledge...

Are all parents good at discussing things with their kids?  Do all parents care?  Probably not.  But most of us do, and we take our responsibilities seriously.  Let us keep them.  We can't help what we don't know.

That’s why they have wine.