You Don't Have To Like Me

When my son was in pre-school, I got a few calls that he was having issues with another child, some of them escalating to them hitting each other. One day I got a “note” pinned to my sign in/out sheet addressed to my 3 year old, who, while this might categorize him as an underachieving child by perfect parent standards, could not read.  I read the note and it was basically about needing to be friends with everyone in the class.  I discussed the issue with my son, took away toys, gave him alternative behaviors, tried to get him to stop.  The issues continued, so I made an appointment to sit in on the class for the morning.  I discovered two children who just plain old didn’t like each other.  Their personalities were vastly different, and though they were interested in the same toys, they clearly didn’t want to play with them together.

I’ll admit, I patted myself on the back a little for not reading the not to my son, not only because I thought it was strange to write a note at 3-year old level when you clearly know only the parent can read it, but because I had that “a-ha!” moment when I thought I realized what the real issue was.  I sat my son down and talked to him about it again.

“Aiden, I can see that you don’t like “J”.  I can see that “J” doesn’t like you.  And you know what?  That is OK.”

“But the teacher says we have to be friends.”

Yep, I nailed it.

“No, no, no, no, UM, no.  You do not ever HAVE to be someone’s friend.  You have to be nice to everyone.  You need to be respectful to everyone.  You  do not have to like them.  They do not have to like you.  You do NOT have to be friends.  That is normal.  People are all different and sometimes people don’t get along, and that is perfectly OK.  If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, or there is something wrong with them.  It is up to you to decide who is your friend.”

As adults, we tend to turn “We all have to be friends” into “You can’t make judgments!”  We mean the same thing.   And we’re wrong.

First of all, I’m not sure how someone makes it through the day without making any judgments.  A judgment is “the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion.”  It’s what we mean when we tell our kids “Make good choices.”  We decide what to wear based on judgments about the weather and the occasion.  We decide what to eat based on what we like or what we find to be healthy (and determining what is healthy is also a judgment.)  We decide when to turn into traffic, where we allow our child to do something, when we select the TV show that evening for our family, all based on judgments.  Every single one.

When we decide who we want our children to have a playdate with, who we want to date, who we want to marry, or even who we want to hang out with for the evening based on judgments.  And that is OK.  We are allowed to like who we want and dislike who we want, and they can be for the stupidest reasons ever.  I actually like most people, even those vastly different than me, but there are people I don’t like because they have been repeatedly  rude to me, there are people I don’t like because they are obnoxious, there are people I don’t like because they are irresponsible, and there are people I don’t like just because their laugh annoys the crap out of me.  But I am nice, and I am respectful, and that is all I need to be. 

There are people that don’t like me because I’m too quiet, too opinionated, because because I don’t suck up to them, or I didn’t use cloth diapers..  And that is OK too. 

It’s OK to express your opinion, even when it is not the popular one.  It’s OK to be who you are, even if someone else calls you a name for it.  It’s OK for people to not like you, as long as you truly like yourself.  It’s even OK to tell someone you don’t agree with them or with their behavior, but you have to realize that the “OK” stops there, it is up to them to judge if they are OK with their life, beliefs, values, and opinions, or if they want to change them.  We can’t make everyone agree, and, if you ask me, that is an awesome thing.  Utopia would be a bit boring too me.

That’s why they have wine.  Or beer, or orange juice, or Pepsi, or water, whatever your choice is.  

And by the way, my son never had the hitting problems after that conversation.  It really is easier to understand that someone may not like you than it is to try to force them to.