Why I am a Parent, Not a Friend

I was in a discussion recently where someone took offense to the phrase “Be a parent, not a friend.”  A discussion that led to someone saying that “aggressive parenting” seems like parenting where you are afraid to let your children be themselves and was just a power trip.

First, I’m not sure what aggressive parenting is.  I thought maybe it was what someone coined as a parenting style, but Google does not give me that impression.  I do see references to “hostile-aggressive parents” referring to parents that are emotionally or physically abusive.....Wow.  Since most of the people I know share the same “I’m a parent....” attitude, and none of them are child abusers, I have to admit I was a bit shocked.

So, I would just like to clarify what I mean by being a parent and not a friend to clear up the misunderstanding that I must beat my child into submission and don’t want him to be the individual he is. 

We do not have a long list of rules posted anywhere.  My child is not afraid of me.  We have a lot of fun and joke around together all the time. I am not his enemy, and we are in fact very close.

We have two basic rules:  You need to be honest, and you need to be respectful both of yourself and others.  That pretty much covers it.  Following those rules means you don’t lie, you don’t cheat, you don’t talk out of turn, you sit in your seat at a restaurant and keep your voice down, you listen to authority figures, you do not say mean things about others.  Some of those things my child may need to be reminded of now and then, which he is with a hand gesture (keep it down) or a whisper (“That is going to annoy the people in line behind us”), not with a yank of the arm or a yell or a spanking.  When something happens because he did not follow those rules, we discuss it together and come up with a solution to prevent it from occurring again in the future.

But those rules he WILL follow.  Why?  Not because it is easier for me – trust me, especially if you are with another parent and child that is afraid to tell their child “No.”  Not because it somehow makes me feel good when he stomps off and slams the door.  Rather, it is because being a person who has those qualities is what is going to make him most happy and successful in life.  I don’t care if every other child at the party is allowed to be rude to another child, or if the kid down the street can call his mother a name, or if my child is going to tell me “I hate you!” because he can’t skip his homework like his friend can.

Believe it or not, children crave that structure and have a real need to know that there is someone in their life that is an authority figure who can rein them in.  Without those things, a helpless child just feels more helpless.  My son has friends at school, at baseball, in the neighborhood.  At home he needs a Mom and Dad.

A parent can be a friend, but a friend cannot be a parent.

And that’s why they have wine.