The Thing About Respect

Respect.

It’s a word being tossed, well, OK, hurled around social media lately.  It is a word, however, that from what I have observed, often is misunderstood.

Respect is not an entitlement.  It’s not a one way street.  It’s not something that can be dictated.

If what I have been reading and hearing is the norm, it’s not even a goal, but rather the illusion of it is.

If your child is disrespectful to you, for example tells you that he hates you, how do you deal with it?  Do you try to teach about respect and act in a matter to earn it, or do you just demand it?  What kind of lesson does your child learn if you yell at him and speak to him in the same disrespectful voice he spoke to you in?  If we demand that he never say those words again or he will be punished, but he is thinking that he not only hates you now, but also resents you and feels that you haven’t even taken a moment to wonder why they were disrespectful in the first place, are you now being respected?  My answer to that would be no.  You might be comforted, and even smug, that the next time they don’t say it aloud to you, but if they are still thinking the same thing, is that truly respect?  No, it is just the illusion of respect, and you feel good because can feel like you don’t have to worry about whatever it is that was causing the problem in the first place.  Yet the problem remains, and the respect is not really there.

Unless you live under a rock with no internet, TV, radio, or newspapers, you’ve no doubt heard all the chatter about NFL players who have knelt during the national anthem.  People are upset, understandably so, because the feel the flag and our country is not being respected.  However, what is being demanded by many, including our President, is that they be forced to respect it by standing.  Forced to respect it.  Forced.  As if respect emanates from the position of our knees, and not from our souls.

This might be news to some people, but you can respect the flag and our country without ever hearing the national anthem.  The best way to honor our country is actually through real action: voting, being involved in your community, standing up for our freedom.  On the flip side, you can be standing with your hand over your heart at a football game, purely because that’s just what you do, not even thinking about our country but about where you last saw the beer vendor or how far away the bathroom is or making a mental note to buy bread on the way home, or, if a player, about your competition, just giving an illusion of respect.  We seem to have come to a place where we don’t realize the first, and honor the second.

If we feel someone is not respecting our country, our first thought should not be the not-really-respectful thought of “you are a scumbag,” but rather we should be wondering “Why?” and go from there, to deal with any issues that may be hindering actual respect.  That is, if our goal really is respect, and not just the illusion of it.  We probably should also give the respect of listening to other’s feelings and thoughts, even if we think they are wrong, rather than calling them “monkeys that are paid to dance” for us, and perhaps throw in a bit of understanding that if we don’t treat someone else respectfully, they are not going to listen to anything we have to say.

Respect or illusion?  What is your goal?

That’s why they have wine.  I’m going for the real stuff.