Sometimes A Parent Just Needs To Be Heard

It’s that time of the year…that time where are there a lot of strong feelings.  For some, those are feelings of dread, for others relief, for others worry that their children our growing just way too quickly.  Yep, it’s back to school.

It’s also that time of year where you see a ton of articles, blogs, posts, and comments about underpaid teachers, overworked teachers, lack of appreciation for teachers, how difficult it is to be a teacher, teachers needing to buy their own supplies, and the terrible parent’s that teachers have to deal with.

I get all that.  Someone who sings a few songs they didn’t even write themselves can be a billionaire, while a person that is supposed to be helping to prepare our children for their futures is buying their shoes at Walmart.  Teachers often do preparation at home, after school or on the weekends.  There are children who are raised without discipline that can be disruptive to a classroom.  There are parents who refuse to believe that anything their children do can possibly be blamed on their children.

However, I’d like to write something from the perspective of parents, because I think many of us can be misunderstood. 

1.  We don’t live in a bubble with our “special snowflake” of a child.  We have problems too.  And if that problem is with our child, we might actually be able to impart some knowledge on how he is best dealt with, and when we try to tell you it is for both his AND your benefit, it is not an insult.  All kids are different.  Every single one of them.  Your biggest source of knowledge about each of those individuals are the people that live with them.

2.  Lots of jobs are underpaid.  You can pretty safely assume a large part of the parents you deal with are.  A $200 school supply list for each child, each year, can be a very stressful, if not impossible, task to complete.  And if the list contains something that can only be found at one store across town, from noon till 2 pm, and we got the list the night before, we are trying very, very, very hard not to break down in the wine aisle of Target in a puddle of tears, begging for a corkscrew.

3.  I may show up in shorts and a t-shirt in the drop off and pick up line, talking on the phone and signaling to my child to shush when he gets in the car.  That obvious-to-you self-involvement is actually a professional mom who started her day logged in to her computer 30 minutes before the drive to school, because she works from home.  I’m often on work calls or in a teleconference in the car, even though pick-up time is technically my lunch hour.  I go back home and work till at least 5, sometimes it can be midnight.  I’m salaried, and don’t get paid overtime for the hours beyond 40 I work each week, but I’m lucky I can work those extra hours at my home.  My husband, who works 60 hours a week, also salaried so is paid for 40, does not have that luxury.  We’re fairly typical parents.  In between all that, we all help with homework, projects, and school friend drama, and we cook dinner and make sure our children have clean clothes for school and get to their sports practices and occasionally even squeeze in five minutes to use the bathroom.  Sometimes a science project is due the same day as a work project and we are operating on 2 hours of sleep.  If we forgot to sign the agenda book, it’s probably because we were overwhelmed by the dog eating the table leg and we didn’t get our coffee made, not because we don’t care.

4.  We want the classroom to have discipline.  We want our children to gain knowledge.  We WANT to know if they are having problems in either of those areas.  I would love for you to call me, or send me an email, to let me know he might need extra help in some area.   Not finding out till we’ve gotten the report card with an “F” makes me feel like no one cares.  I need to know BEFORE the test, I can’t help with something I know nothing about.  I may not be a teacher, but I actually still know some stuff, and if I don’t know the specific topic, I do know how to Google and figure it out.  I may be busy and forgot to brush my hair and put my pants on backwards, but I do love my child enough to do what I need to do to help him with anything.  That also includes behavior.  If my child jumps up and down and turns in a circle and it’s not allowed, I want to know.  We have expectations in our home, and it’s hard to enforce them without knowledge of the infractions.

5.  We know there are pain-in-the-rear parents.  Their children play at our house or on our kids’ teams.  We don’t, thankfully, absorb their personalities by being around them however.  Most of us are pretty nice people.  If I curse at you and tell you that there is no way my child could have thrown a wad of paper across the room, think what you will.  Otherwise, please give me a chance.  And a glass of wine can help if it’s really bad.

6.  Some of us have had experiences with former teachers that left a very bad taste in our mouths.  Things like calling us in for a mandatory conference, and then needing a physical description of my child to know who they are because their name provides no recognition.  Things like not showing up at a mandatory conference that was called.  Things like telling my child that he is not smart enough for a book in the library, though he actually reads above that level.  Things like not knowing that a child even has an IEP or 504 plan after teaching him a whole quarter. Things that make us just a little scared at the beginning of each school year.  Be warm and open to us, listen to what we have to say, we have real worries.  That understanding, that acknowledgement, that validation, THAT is what lets me know you truly have faith in your own abilities as a teacher.

I do thank teachers for what they do, I’m sure it is an exhausting job.  I love all of my son's teachers, we have not had an issue with one in many years.  But some days I’d just like to be understood and appreciated as a parent, and in the past that may have made some real differences in our lives. We'd all be better off if we stay on the same team.

That’s why they have wine.

God is Great, Wine is Good, and People are Crazy

During my lunch hour today, I ran out to do a few errands.

First, I stopped for gas since my tank was empty.  The tank in my sports car, the 5^th sports car I have owned.  I know moms are supposed to drive minivans or SUV’s, but I would not own one if you gave it to me free.  Just the thought of it is making me a bit nauseous.     

Next, I stopped at CVS.  In looking for airplane acceptable toiletries for my son and my husband, they didn’t have the men’s toiletries separated from the women’s in the travel-size aisle.  I managed to find the men’s deodorant in 2.74568988 seconds.

I then went to another aisle to get the only school supplies we still needed, folders.  The pink ones with the fairies and the ones with the kittens were all mixed in the same pile with the ones with footballs and the ones with with superheroes.  Same with the spiral notebooks.  There were no labels telling me which were for boys and which were for girls.  What is a mom to do?  Well, if my son was younger, I would have picked up a couple with kittens and a couple with footballs because he would have loved them both, alas he has plain folders of certain colors on the supply list from school.  I did almost buy myself one with Minions, just because I like them.  I don’t know if they are really “meant” for 47 year old women who don’t need school folders, but, well, so?

Next, I went to the very limited grocery aisle, because I was trying to cut out a trip to another store, to get some tomato sauce to make tonight’s dinner.  I noticed that the fruit snacks came in all kinds of characters.  Again, however, nothing to tell me which were OK for girls and which were OK for boys.  Since they had none without artificial coloring, which my son cannot have, I skipped right over them, luckily avoiding the dilemma of trying to figure out which would not cause my child to spontaneously combust for consuming a character meant for the opposite gender.

Next it was to drop a package at UPS.  It contained the phone with the broken LCD display that needed to be returned to Motorola so as to not be charged for the free replacement they had sent.  The broken phone that I, his mom, a woman, despite it being more natural for males to be the technical wizards, had not only managed to save his pictures from despite not being able to turn on the screen, but had wiped those pictures and the personal info from the phone being sent back.

Finally, I had to stop at the pharmacy to fill my and my son’s prescriptions.  While waiting, I noticed the other items were grouped by purpose, and then alphabetically.  Stomach remedies were together, pain relievers, supplements…There was nothing there to tell me which were most helpful to males and which to females.  If I wanted to know what helped with testosterone levels, I would have had to ask one of the pharmacists.  Can you imagine?

This week it was announced that Target, one of my favorite stores as evidenced by the amount of money I have spent there, was going to stop labeling their items (excluding the clothing sections) as for girls or for boys.  No big deal, right?  After all, a Lego set is a Lego set.  Or so you would think….

There was no social media frenzy, no media-induced crisis, no coverage whatsoever about Target planning to do so.  After the fact, we are told that a mom complained to Target that they shouldn’t be labeling their toy aisles as for boys or girls. Target decided that maybe she had a point.

And the frenzy then began.  Conservatives and Christians are calling this some kind of attack on their values.  Note, please, that I am a Christian, and lean conservatively, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with what is being done at the store.  No one is attacking me.  No one is making me or my husband or my son or our friends question our gender.  No one has changed our lives ONE LITTLE BIT.  Well, maybe a little, because I now question if there is a sane person left in our country.

Honestly, I never really noticed if Target, or any store for that matter, labeled things by gender.  I guess I didn’t need a map to tell me what marketers thought was OK for my son to play with or sleep on.  It obviously was not something that I felt repressed me, nor was I offended by it, I was just merely blissfully unaware.  When I heard that it was changing, however, I thought “Well, yeah, why do we need signs distinguishing girl’s toys from boy’s toys?”  I actually read the articles about them, not just headlines or one line blurbs on Facebook.  I am actually aware of what they are doing, and I think it is in reality one of the last phase steps in recognizing that women and men are equal, and both genders have talents and likes unique to them as an individual.

For those of you who made it this far in my somewhat unusually lengthy blog, and haven’t walked away in disgust at my moral failings at not realizing that Barbies are only for girls or Hot Wheels are only for boys, Target is not re-arranging your store.  They are not mixing all the clothing together.  They are not going to make you walk to the northeast corner of the store to get the Spiderman pillowcase from the same aisle the bras are in, and then to the southwest corner to get the matching sheet.  Your child is not going to walk in happy in her frilly little pink dress clutching her baby doll, happy as a clam to be a girl, and then walk out wanting a gender change. They are simply removing the gender label on what, like it or not, are truly gender neutral things. 

I do believe that there are some traits that are more common in girls and some that are more common in boys.  There are gender differences.  For instance, girls tend to be more nurturing, boys more rough and tumble.  Girls tend to excel in language, boys in math.  The key words, however, are “common” and “tend.”  All children, all people, are individuals.  I don’t share all the same traits and likes with the woman who lives next door.  I do, however share some of the same traits my husband has, maybe even more than with my neighbor, which is one of the reasons we are married.  People all have some traits that may be more common in the other gender.  AND THAT IS OK.  It does not cause you to lose your “gender identity.”

I am a heterosexual female who wears makeup every day, likes wearing dresses, loves high heels, and always has painted toe nails.  I have absolutely no doubt that I am female, I’ve never questioned it.  I, however, am not overly feminine and pretty much am “male-brained.”  I excel, to an extreme, in math and related areas.  I am great with technology.  I can manage not only navigating Home Depot and finding the things I need all by myself, I can complete home improvement projects unassisted.  If something needs fixed, I don’t go find my husband, I just do it.  I’m the one who takes the trash out.  I love talking politics.  As aforementioned, I have a great fondness for sports cars.  I’m athletic.  I don’t own a single tube of lipstick and often cut my hair very short because I don’t like having to deal with it.   I can’t stand romance novels or non-comedic romance movies.  I love action and sports movies.  When I was a kid, I owned Hotwheels cars and tracks and would set up races with my other tomboy friends, when we weren’t playing Cowboys and Indians or climbing trees.  I’ve always had more male friends than female.  And I even have a fondness for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

My son, he is very much like me in his personality. He also is athletic, can be LOUD, is messy, loves sports, and is a pretty typical boy. He has no doubt that he is one.  However, in some areas, he possesses some of the more characteristically “female” traits that I lack, like sensitivity, empathy, language skills, and knowing how to be friends with girls. And when he was a toddler, he had dolls and toy kitchens, at his own request, despite any sign that might have been on the store aisle.

And I don’t care if any of that fits the “norm” form our genders.  We are who we are, and we know who that is.  If there is any “confusion,” it’s not on our part, it’s on the part of those who cannot understand that.

I’m pretty sure this country has crossed the line of insanity.  That’s why they have wine, and I’ll continue to buy it at Target.

Lessons From a Birthday Party

I’ve been a mom for 14 years know, and am proof that you are always still learning something new.  Some things I learned at my son’s birthday party:

1. Kids from age 8 to 18 can all have a great time together, those with special needs and those without, if you just have the right activity
2. That right activity is an inflatable waterslide.  Even a certain 47-year old one went on it while she was getting the party ready….
3. Parties can be best when they are small.  One of the reason the waterslide was so much fun was that my son wisely made the decision of “I’m only inviting a few people, that way we aren’t all just standing in line.”
4. Don’t underestimate the healthy food.  We had chips, cookies, pizza, and cupcakes.  We have leftovers of all of those.  However, the entire LARGE bowl of cut fruit was literally gone in 10 minutes.  Ditto with the drinks.  We have plenty of sweet iced tea, soda, and adult beverages remaining.  The water and the juice boxes were, however, quite popular.
5. My son has a special “in” with God.  A few weeks ago he prayed it wouldn’t rain at his last day of baseball camp, and it rained everywhere in our area but where the camp was.  Yesterday morning, the day of his outdoor party, we were predicted to have rain all day.  He stood outside and prayed it would not.  We had sun all day, though we had a deluge an hour after everyone left.  I may need to start renting him out for important outdoor occasions.
6. One of the best gifts for a teenager can be “wrapped” in an envelope.  Cash and gift cards are extremely appreciated by a teen.
7. The parents of his friends must know my disdain for certain places to shop.  Several Target cards, and not a one from Walmart!
8. Your son probably knows your fondness for certain stores.  He asked if I’d like to make an exchange with him, the Target cards for cash.
9. It works out just fine to have a mix of adults that don’t know each other, especially if the thing they have in common is their kids.
10. All the work (and money!) is worth it when your kid thanks you later approximately 27 times, and says “I love you” almost as many.

And maybe most importantly, I’ve learned that being a mom just gets greater the older your child gets.  That’s why they have wine.  I’ve got a few extra bottles laying around now…

Why I Am A Christian

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a Christian for political reasons, because I’m an idiot, because I’m perfect, because I want to feel superior, or because I want to tell other people what to do.

I am a Christian because I need God.  That is all.  I am weak, I am scared, I am so far from perfect it is not even funny, and I need Him.  I need the support, and he has always been there for me.

When I hid under a table crying because my drunk father was throwing things around, God was sitting next to me.  When I was raped two days in my dorm room the week before my freshman year at college started, He was there to let me know it wasn’t my fault.  When I was in the delivery room with a baby who was being induced prematurely because he was distressed, was upside down, backwards, and had the cord around his neck, God blew his first breath into him when he came out not breathing.

He’s never failed me, even when it temporarily feels that way.  Through every difficult thing I’ve ever encountered, He has been my constant, and He has shown me the greatness that eventually came from every bad thing that occurred.

He understands me.  He has forgiven me for every stupid decision I’ve made, every sin I committed.  There are a lot of people who believe me to be a strong person, but that strength is not mine, it is His.

I am not superior to anyone, I don’t have some greater grasp on morality, I cannot magically solve all the problems of the world.  My faith does not give me the resources to adopt every unwanted child in the world, to donate to every charity, or to perform superhuman feats, it just gives me a relationship with my Savior.

I am opposed to the idea of using Christ as a weapon, as a reason to hate, or to categorize people as bad.  We all do bad things, and when I say that it is no more condemning of anyone else than it is of myself, it is just the way things are.  I don’t teach my child that others are “sinners”, as a matter of fact I’ve never in my life used the word “sin” in any discussions regarding behavior and expectations with him, nor have they been about anyone but him and me.  I have enough trouble keeping myself straight sometimes to worry about what you are doing, not that I care to worry about what you are doing in the first place.

Do I speak for all Christians?  Of course not.  We are all individuals, and we all have an individual relationship with God, and I’m sure there are a few that don’t really have one.  But there are an awful lot of them that could write a similar blog.  Our faith is not about you, it is about ourselves.  You can choose to make fun of us or hate us or think we are the root of all your problems, but that’s an awful lot of power to give to us crazy people that believe in something imaginary.

That’s why they have wine.  For those, of course, who feel comfortable with drinking it.