If It Must Take a Village, At Least Keep The Parent In It

We live in a world where we are often told we are still in the dark ages when it comes to all things sexual, like finding a doctor to prescribe birth control or an adult to talk to a child about sex.

Why is that not the world I see?  Here in 2015, when I took my soon-to-be-13-year-old to the pediatrician last year, he was handed a form to fill out on his own, and that it would be kept confidential.  Today, a year later, when he asked me to help him with a question, the nurse quickly handed the paper back to him and told him that if he answered “No” to the previous question, to put” no” for that one (despite the fact that last year I helped him with ¾ of the questions upon his request, guess I looked like a better parent that day).

A parent is then asked to fill out a form so that the doctor can talk confidentially to the child about their answers, and the parent never has to know.

During the exam, we receive the suggestion to give our child the HPV vaccination.

None of these things are based on the maturity of the child, or even if they have reached puberty, but rather just simple age.  If you ask me, if we were in the dark ages before, we have completely swung the pendulum in the opposite direction.

I know exactly what is on that form, because I had to explain the majority of the questions last year.  It is a form concerning their drug and alcohol use and sexual activity, and obviously my child was still, well, a child, who still needs his parents to help him make decisions, even little ones like how to fill out a form.  Any awkwardness he had was not because his parent was in the room, it was because the questions themselves were beyond his maturity level.  

As far as the parental consent form, I didn’t sign it last year.  If my child can’t fill out the form on his own, he is not ready to discuss it and make decisions about it on his own.  Though I still don’t feel he is ready to make those kinds of decisions on his own, I signed it this year, because I know that he knows that.  He knows that because we talk about that stuff, he knows that because he has learned from past experience that for your parent to be able to help you with any issue, you have to tell them what it is.  He knows that rules and expectations in our house are based on our responsibility as parents to keep him healthy and keep him safe.  I know without a doubt that there would be nothing he would be afraid for the doctor to discuss with me, and as a matter of fact, that discussing with me would make him feel safer and less alone.

I understand that some kids are uncomfortable telling their parents things, but that does NOT mean that their parent is unwilling or incapable of helping them with things.  The discomfort does not relieve the parent of legal responsibility.  I can understand giving a child a third party to talk to, but I do not get keeping the information about one's own child from them.

When asked about the vaccine, I declined it, telling the doctor that was not anything we needed to worry about at this time.  

On the way home, my son thanked me for not making him get a shot, and then asked me what an HPV vaccine was for.  I told him it was a sexually transmitted disease. 

“Do they give the shot in the ARM?” 

“Yes.” 

“How do you catch it?”

I looked at him with an amused look on my face and asked, “How do you catch any SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED disease?”

“Ohhhh!  Duh!”

If you have that discussion….

Yeah, we’ve got some time.  And as a parent, I know that better than anyone else would.  I know that he spends his time playing baseball and football and basketball  and having Nerf wars, that he is in the other room right now, 12 minutes late in feeding his cat (excuse me a  second while I yell to him…) watching card trick you-tube videos and learning new tricks.  I know that he is sensitive, can worry too much, and sometimes can trust too much.  I know he is smart, funny, and often brilliant. His doctor, as much as I love him, does not know him like that.

I know who he is and what he is ready for, and I am perfectly willing and capable of helping him to navigate through his teen years, but now the world has reached a point where they are trying to take that responsibility away from me, from other parents.  The world now assumes that no parent is capable of raising their own child when it comes to matters of sex, especially if they are not giving them condoms for their 12^th birthday.

And I haven't even touched on the subject of 13 year old girls taking hormones, which are NOT harmless for everyone, being prescribed without parental knowledge...

Are all parents good at discussing things with their kids?  Do all parents care?  Probably not.  But most of us do, and we take our responsibilities seriously.  Let us keep them.  We can't help what we don't know.

That’s why they have wine.

Our Obsession With Sex

Sex.  It’s the topic everyone is fascinated with. 

It’s also the thing that causes many of our social issues:  Adultery, porn addiction, abortion, teen pregnancy, diseases, even murder and suicide.  Yet for some reason, it is the popular opinion that it is an acceptable recreational activity for teenagers in America.  And if you don’t agree, you are deemed a bad parent. 

Well, I’m a confused bad parent, because I don’t get it.

In my 47 years of life, I’ve encountered a lot of not normal sex things.  I’ve been raped, escaped from a couple other potential rapes,  I’ve been married to a porn addict, and, though I consciously block anything that even starts bringing back memories, I, and my past therapists and psychiatrists, am pretty sure I was sexually abused by someone.  Why do these kind of things happen?

In my opinion, we have a very unhealthy view of sex in this country, we think that we don’t have the ability to turn it down.  You would think that I would have issues, but I’ve had good therapists.  I actually have a very caring and supportive partner, and that is what it is really all about.  This is actually a bit of a tough subject for me to write about, because, unlike most, I believe intimacy is something that should, well, remain intimate, as does my husband.  To me, sex is an expression of feelings for your partner, not a recreational activity.  It is not something to be taken lightly.  It is not something that does not have potential consequences, consequences that you are prepared to deal with.

A 14 year old is not prepared for those consequences, even if their “progressive” parent has put them on birth control.  A 14 year old is not ready to make decisions about the risks of birth control without parental consent (and yeah, there are always risks, some with effectiveness, some that can actually affect health).   A 14 year old is certainly not prepared to decide what to do with a life that may be growing inside of them.  Yet the majority of parents say “Well, they are going to do it anyways.”

They are NOT going to do it anyways.  They ARE going to do it if you expect them to, I can pretty much guarantee that.  “Well, my mom put me on birth control, so I guess she expects me to do this, so why would I say ‘No’?” Hold higher expectations, and really trust your children.  They just might turn out to be people who can control themselves.

They are NOT going to be gorging on porn, unless you are not willing to control their internet use.  Newsflash, you ARE allowed to check your child’s phone and computer.  You ARE allowed to forbid certain sites.  You ARE allowed to explain to them how pornography distorts their perception of relationships and what actual women are like.  You ARE allowed to say, “You know what, would you want someone doing that to your mom?”

And you know something else, we are all allowed to say “No,” even us adults.  And we are all actually capable of it.  We could actually go our entire lives without sex and still survive.  It should not be what controls our bodies, our relationship with our children, or our legal policies.  We don’t have the right to it.  Nowhere in the constitution does it say “Citizens have the right to sexual intercourse”, much less without any consequences or with free or taxpayer provided methods to avoid them.

I know it’s not the popular thing to say (feel free to boycott my non-existent sponsors), but we don’t have to accept our partners watching porn, we don’t have to accept them going to strip clubs, we don’t have to assume our children are going to have sex when they are in middle school, we don’t have to put them on birth control because “they are going to do it anyways,” and we don’t have to support abortion because we think we are all incapable of controlling our own bodies.  We have other choices.  We CAN teach that there are natural, scientific, consequences of sex that are best handled by adults, we CAN expect our children to be children, we CAN express our hurt to our spouse when they are more turned on by women on a computer screen, we CAN save our physical expressions of intimacy for someone who actually deserves it.  We CAN take the focus off of being sexual objects by not making ourselves one.

I know there are plenty of people who will disagree with me, but just think about it. It's a lot to consider, but that’s why they have wine.