You Don't Have To Like Me

When my son was in pre-school, I got a few calls that he was having issues with another child, some of them escalating to them hitting each other. One day I got a “note” pinned to my sign in/out sheet addressed to my 3 year old, who, while this might categorize him as an underachieving child by perfect parent standards, could not read.  I read the note and it was basically about needing to be friends with everyone in the class.  I discussed the issue with my son, took away toys, gave him alternative behaviors, tried to get him to stop.  The issues continued, so I made an appointment to sit in on the class for the morning.  I discovered two children who just plain old didn’t like each other.  Their personalities were vastly different, and though they were interested in the same toys, they clearly didn’t want to play with them together.

I’ll admit, I patted myself on the back a little for not reading the not to my son, not only because I thought it was strange to write a note at 3-year old level when you clearly know only the parent can read it, but because I had that “a-ha!” moment when I thought I realized what the real issue was.  I sat my son down and talked to him about it again.

“Aiden, I can see that you don’t like “J”.  I can see that “J” doesn’t like you.  And you know what?  That is OK.”

“But the teacher says we have to be friends.”

Yep, I nailed it.

“No, no, no, no, UM, no.  You do not ever HAVE to be someone’s friend.  You have to be nice to everyone.  You need to be respectful to everyone.  You  do not have to like them.  They do not have to like you.  You do NOT have to be friends.  That is normal.  People are all different and sometimes people don’t get along, and that is perfectly OK.  If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, or there is something wrong with them.  It is up to you to decide who is your friend.”

As adults, we tend to turn “We all have to be friends” into “You can’t make judgments!”  We mean the same thing.   And we’re wrong.

First of all, I’m not sure how someone makes it through the day without making any judgments.  A judgment is “the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion.”  It’s what we mean when we tell our kids “Make good choices.”  We decide what to wear based on judgments about the weather and the occasion.  We decide what to eat based on what we like or what we find to be healthy (and determining what is healthy is also a judgment.)  We decide when to turn into traffic, where we allow our child to do something, when we select the TV show that evening for our family, all based on judgments.  Every single one.

When we decide who we want our children to have a playdate with, who we want to date, who we want to marry, or even who we want to hang out with for the evening based on judgments.  And that is OK.  We are allowed to like who we want and dislike who we want, and they can be for the stupidest reasons ever.  I actually like most people, even those vastly different than me, but there are people I don’t like because they have been repeatedly  rude to me, there are people I don’t like because they are obnoxious, there are people I don’t like because they are irresponsible, and there are people I don’t like just because their laugh annoys the crap out of me.  But I am nice, and I am respectful, and that is all I need to be. 

There are people that don’t like me because I’m too quiet, too opinionated, because because I don’t suck up to them, or I didn’t use cloth diapers..  And that is OK too. 

It’s OK to express your opinion, even when it is not the popular one.  It’s OK to be who you are, even if someone else calls you a name for it.  It’s OK for people to not like you, as long as you truly like yourself.  It’s even OK to tell someone you don’t agree with them or with their behavior, but you have to realize that the “OK” stops there, it is up to them to judge if they are OK with their life, beliefs, values, and opinions, or if they want to change them.  We can’t make everyone agree, and, if you ask me, that is an awesome thing.  Utopia would be a bit boring too me.

That’s why they have wine.  Or beer, or orange juice, or Pepsi, or water, whatever your choice is.  

And by the way, my son never had the hitting problems after that conversation.  It really is easier to understand that someone may not like you than it is to try to force them to.

Half Empty or Half Full?

In 1883, the Emancipation Proclamation was declared, by Abraham Lincoln, our first Republican President.

In 1865, the Civil War ended. 

In the 1920’s, the Ku Klux Klan had an estimated 3,000,000 – 6,000,000 members.  In 2012, it had 5000-8000, and is denounced by virtually every Christian Denomination.  I think the exception may be the wacko Westboro Baptist Church, who is actually so out there that they are denounced by the KKK.

The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was passed, well, obviously, in 1964.

The Voting Rights Act passed in 1965.

The Fair Housing Act passed in 1968.

Today is June 25, 2015.  2015.   Years later.

In 2015, I live on a street where the majority of people are, contrary to its meaning, minorities, and it’s a very typical middle class neighborhood.  We all live in similar houses, have similar jobs, drive similar vehicles (though I’m probably the weirdo outcast with my fluorescent green car), and lead similar lives.  All of our children play together, we lend each other lawn mowers when someone’s no longer works, and we look out for each other.  One of those families, whose son never played for any elite baseball team but that of his public school, can now be proud he made it to the MLB, an organization that no longer has separate teams for whites and non-whites.  Some of those families very well may have voted for Barack Obama, the President of the United States, our first black President.  Some of them have children or grandchildren under 5, and the majority of children under five in this country today are minorities.

Are there still people that are racist?  Sure there are.  There are also people that are sexist, homophobic, anti-whatever-religion, and that think my son is being drugged by uncaring parents because he takes medication for a neurological disorder, but there has been so much progress made in all of these areas over time, and it will continue to get better. 

Dwelling on the past, ignoring the present and any progress made in between, and placing blame on “groups” as a whole and forgetting that people are individuals, gets you nothing but negativity.  Progress is impossible with this attitude.

Realizing we have been getting better and better as time goes on, gives you hope.  Hope is the catalyst of progress.

I read something amusing recently…you can think the glass is half full, you can think the glass is half empty, but either one is missing the point, it is refillable.

You can believe that if that if the water level in that glass goes down, it will eventually be gone.  You can believe that if the water level goes down, there is at least still some left.  Or you can believe there is a faucet in the kitchen with an endless supply that fills it again and again, always having not only enough, but more.  Change doesn't have an end.

That’s why they have wine.  And my glass is refillable.

Dear Mr. President

A few weeks ago I checked my son’s phone, and found something disturbing.  Among a few other unacceptable to this strict mom things, he and his friends were calling each other the “N” word in conversations.

The only good thing is that I know my son wasn't using it to be derogatory.  He doesn't have a racist bone in his body, nor any other discriminatory kind of bone.  He is one of the most accepting people I've ever met, and I’m not just saying that because he is my child.  He just thought it was the “cool” thing to say because other kids do.  We don’t use that word in our family, we live in a very diverse community of people who get along (though reading the internet and other media, I feel like I must be living in a strange dream), so it’s just not something he’s grown up with and we've never had to have a discussion about it.

Until now.

When I explained that one of the reasons his phone was being taken away for a while was his use of that word, he really didn't seem to understand why it was so bad, after all, his black friends use it too. 

A week ago, I watched “Selma” with him, a movie depicting Martin Luther King, Jr. and the civil rights movement.  During one quite dramatic scene, the word was being thrown around in a very derogatory fashion.  I asked my son “Now do you understand why we don’t use that word?”  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and nodded.  He got it.

And then a few days later, the President, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, uses it in a podcast.  How do I explain that?

If we want this word to go away, it needs to GO AWAY in modern day language.  Outside of historical context to teach it’s origin, it should not be spoken, written, or heard.

Mr. President, I've never been your biggest fan, your political ideology is different than mine.  However, I've always respected anyone in the office, because it is a job much more difficult than I could ever imagine, and, well, just because I’m an American.  I’m struggling now, with that respect.  I teach my child that respect is something to be earned.  I teach my child that certain actions do not earn respect.  How can I, as a Mom and as someone who respects themselves, make exceptions to my standards just because of someone’s title?  You could have been an example of a higher standard and just said, “The ‘N’ word.”  I just wrote an entire blog without using the word, and no one has questions to what I’m talking about.  It's not necessary.

That’s why they have wine.

The Internet is Full of Cray Cray.

Up until about 10 or 11 years ago, I thought I was living a pretty average, OK existence in a great country where most people got along pretty well and were too busy worrying about getting through their own day to have the time to critique everyone else’s lives.

And then I decided I wanted to take my then 3 year old to Disney World.  I got on the internet to find out some information, and found a Disney message board.

I found a lot of useful information for our trip, and I discovered a Community Board on the site that discussed various non-Disney related topics, and read through some of it.  I found it to be an interesting way to spend my time in the evenings after my son went to bed and my husband went to work for the evening.  About a week later, there was a thread posted with the title “What is the difference between a Catholic and a born again Christian?”

Well, this was a topic I had some knowledge in, so I decided to dive in and answer since no one else had.  I stated that Catholicism is a Christian denomination, while being “born again” means that you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior, thus were “born” into a new life.  Simple enough, I thought. Boy was I wrong.

This is when I learned, based on that answer, that I hate Catholics and think they are not going to heaven, and thought I was superior to anyone that wasn’t Christian.  I read the comments and thought “What on God’s green earth….?  People actually think like that??? Are there that many people just looking to be find some reason to criticize you?”

Throughout the years on the internet, I can say for sure that answer is “Yes.”

I now know I’m a horrible mother because my premature child was unable to breast feed, that I am ignorant because I used disposable diapers, that I think I’m superior to stay at home moms just because I’m not one, that I make a pretty good living only because of white privilege (darn, think of all that money I could have saved by not putting myself through college, not to mention the time I wasted working every day since I was 15),  that the good living I do make means I’m incapable of understanding what it’s like to struggle (because I came out of the womb making my salary…hmm, wait, maybe that is a benefit of white privilege), that I’m a lazy selfish parent because my child takes medication, that I don’t deserve pets because one of my cats is declawed, that I hate particular people because of who they sleep with because Chick-Fil-A is my kids favorite place to eat and we go there weekly….I could do this all night, but you are probably getting bored by now.

In actuality, most of my daily energy is consumed just dragging myself out of bed and on my morning run.  Then my time is spent working full time, driving my son to school and baseball practice and various random activities, making dinner, feeding the ever-hungry cats, letting out the dogs, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and drinking my well deserved glass (or two or three) of wine at the end of the day while packing lunches and paying bills and making sure my kid brushes his teeth before bed.  I honestly don’t have the time or energy, much less the desire to hate anyone or feel superior to them or bow down to them because they managed to sew a new pair of pajamas in the last hour to put on their non-medicated kid.  And this week we acquired a pet turtle that I also need to take care of, so all that time I spent reveling in my superiority is gone now too, replaced by scooping out food that wasn’t eaten and cleaning an aquarium and trying to sell enough on Ebay to make up for the $159 I had to spend on turtle supplies.

Some people like to use the internet just to make people upset about things and to divide them.  Read that stuff with a grain of salt and concentrate on what your real world is like. It really is full of great, loving, accepting people.

That’s why they have wine.

He Was Just A Child

We live practically across the street from an area middle school.  A middle school where today they cancelled end-of-year exams.  A middle school where today they were mourning one of their own.

Yesterday afternoon, in broad daylight, a 14 year old boy, at the park with a group of friends, was gunned down.  When it first was announced on the news, I panicked.  My son, in the same age range, has a friend who lives in that neighborhood.  I Googled and checked all the local news websites till the identity was named, I had to know it was not him.  At the same time the relief washed over me, so did the sadness.  Someone’s child went to the park and now was DEAD.  This family can never joke with, laugh with, hug, be proud of, hang out with, celebrate with, or, heck, he’s a teen, even yell at and get mad at this boy again.  Ever.

Today I checked the news sites looking for updates.  Here I found comments that make this child’s death even more tragic.

Racism.  It is an ugly thing that still exists in huge measure in our country.  So many statements made based solely on race and neighborhood.  All the white people who assume it is a drug deal gone bad.  All the black people who state that white people live in a bubble and can’t understand.  All the purple, yellow, orange, green, whatever people who seem to have forgotten this is a CHILD, and people of all races and colors can understand what it is to love one, no matter what their lives are like.

A child is dead.  A human being’s life was cut off way before his time.  This child could have grown up to be anything, anyone.  We all should mourn that, and want to find a way to prevent this sort of thing.

As the information breaks on this story, we find out this child was set to testify against someone in court this week.  How brave is that for a 14 year old?  Articles have stated that the community is cooperating with leads.  Yet there are those people who still can’t get it out of their head that this has to be a child “gone bad.”  Questions about why the other KIDS ran.  May I ask this question?  What the HECK would you want your own child to do???  Hang out and get shot too?  Run right back to be a witness when the perpetrator is still at large, and possibly put themselves in danger too?

Can’t we all just be human beings sometimes?  I cried this evening for this child I don’t even know.  This isn't something that is about race or area of town.  This is a child who was trying to do the right thing.  This could be any of our children, ANY of our children.  Evil doesn't discriminate, perhaps we shouldn't either.

That’s why they have wine.  I need an extra glass right now.