Forgiveness.
Some people see that as a bad word, a word that is about
someone who harmed us, something that should be avoided.
That’s not what forgiveness is.
Recently, I was talking to my husband about a TV series that
I watch, one in which one of the characters unexpectedly has his father back in
his life, the father that was an abusive alcoholic when the character was
growing up. This is a situation I am
very familiar with, having lived it myself.
I was telling my husband how impressed I was that the storyline wasn’t “He’s
toxic, continue to hate him and push him away!” but rather one of forgiveness. His daughters, his AA peers, they were
pushing him to forgive, to see the person who was trying to be repentant and
salvage a relationship, to see him as human.
I was impressed because this is not the popular social sentiment
anymore. We seem to think that
forgiveness is about the one we are forgiving, but it is not, it is about ourselves. The dictionary definition of “forgive” is to
let go of anger, and letting go of anger, it is exactly what it is about. We forgive for ourselves, not for the other
person. We stop ourselves from being
consumed by a negative emotion that will turn to hate, an emotion with no positive
end.
The other night, on the show, I cried my eyes out at that
moment that you could see the forgiveness occurring, because I love the
character and want him to be a happy one!
Forgiveness releases the chains that bind you, allows you to see things
more clearly, frees you from pain and being under control of the person who
wronged you.
This is not to say that everyone in your life is good for
you, I’m just saying that forgiveness actually gives you back control of your
relationships and emotions. Forgiving a
parent for abusing you, forgiving a spouse who cheated on you, forgiving a
friend from stealing from you, it doesn’t mean that what they did was OK. It means that their action is not in control
of your life and your emotions. By all
means, there are people we need to avoid for our own safety or sanity, but if
you won’t let go of the anger and hate, you really haven’t released them from
your lives, you’re letting them stay in control.
I forgave my own father long ago. I still remember the bad things, but I also
remember the good. I remember the shared
love of horror, crime, and mystery novels and movies. I remember him showing me how to draw and giving
me art supplies (even sending them to me as an adult!), I remember him coming
to get me when I had an accident on my bicycle and my friends rode to my house
for help. I do also remember the dad who
tore my entire bedroom apart looking for the keys my mom hid so he wouldn’t
make good on his threat to run over a kid who rode his bike out in front of the
car, who embarrassed the heck out of me by going to a father-daughter dance in
10th grade drunk out of his mind, or my brother jumping him from
behind to keep me from being hit, but I also saw his humanness, and how hurt his
soul was when my mom divorced him and took us to another state, and I saw the
transformation in him that the wake up call brought. I attended his funeral about 10 years
ago. I never saw so many people at a
funeral. People came up to me to tell me
how much he had meant in their lives in AA, how much he had helped them. For all the hell he may have put me through,
I’m still proud of him, still can see the man he was meant to be. I am actually a lot like him. Smart, hard working, introverted, strange
sense of humor, artistic, and caring and forgiving.
His ashes are in an urn on my bedroom shelf. My son talks to them sometimes. He’s never met his grandpa (not because I
didn’t offer to bring him here, but because he was too proud to take money from
me, another trait we share), but he knows the good things I’ve said about him
and finds it comforting.
Forgiveness. It’s not
a bad word. It doesn't change what happened, but it does change our outlook and affects our own happiness.
That's why they have wine.
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