Don't Offend Me

You learn some very interesting things on the internet.

This week I learned that bubbles are scary, phobia inducing annoying, worth fighting about, and can ruin your whole day.  I mean, who knew?  Well, actually, YOU should have known that, or else you obviously aren’t thinking about your fellow man.

And if your toddler finds them entertaining and distracting enough to get through particular situations, well, your toddler just needs to man up and deal with it because there are adults that can’t handle them.  I get that, my toddler was totally in charge of his emotions 20 years ahead of his age, independent and mobile, he really should have been the one to sacrifice.

Yes, this is our world.

Our world in which people will call others names like “snowflakes” if they are unhappy with particular political happenings, and then turn around and demand freedom from bubbles.  My head may still be foggy from recovering from the flu, but this just seems really humorous to me.

There are a ton of things that annoy me.  I’m thinking about not mentioning any of them so then I can feign righteous indignation when someone didn’t think enough about me that they did them anyway.  No, it doesn’t matter that they have no idea that might bother someone, if they thought hard enough, they’d just know. Well unless the problem is their parents didn’t raise them right or this generation is just selfish…

But, because I don’t want to feign righteous indignation, I just want to be righteously indignated, here is the list of things people must not do or they will risk offending me and thus being offensive people who just don’t care:

Speak before 9 am.

Offer me coffee.

Drink cheap wine.

Wear perfume.

Leave the toilet seat up.

Leave whiskers, nose hairs, toothpaste, or any other foreign substance in the bathroom sink.

Remove anything from Styrofoam packing.

Meow constantly (hey, animals should be courteous too!).

Say anything positive about snakes.

Send me invites for Facebook games.

Spell something wrong.

Make a single sound when you chew.

Act like your Chevy is cool.

Get within 3 feet of my personal space.

Accidentally bump into me (if you had just followed the rule above…)

Play any song by Heart.

Like any song by Heart.

Ask me to do something when I’m already busy.

Start any sentence with “Well, MY kid didn’t….”

Spray bug spray.

Chew gum.

Tell me "indignated" isn't a word.

And, last but not least, not understand sarcasm.

Now, since my husband and son break at least half of those rules on a regular basis, it’s actually a good thing that I’m really not that easily offended.  I understand my quirks are MY quirks and I am willing to own them.  All that stuff that bothers me, it’s just life, normal life, stuff that people are allowed to do and somehow may even enjoy.  I mean, I don’t get how anyone can like the song “Barracuda,” but it apparently brings some people pleasure. If something really bothers me, I will ask you to stop, as in “Turn that Heart song off or I will start divorce papers now!”  Otherwise, all is good.  Well, except if you have left the toilet seat up, you ARE on my mental list.

That’s why they have wine.  Sometimes you just need to tune out your own issues.