It's About Your Child

A few moments after I texted my son’s father that it would be OK if he stayed there this weekend until Monday since school starts on Tuesday, I read a couple of posts online regarding what should the father be responsible for financially.

Everyone has an opinion, but, really, how can any of us give an answer regarding a relationship whose details we know nothing about?  We live in a world where we want everything spelled out for us – what days you see your child, who should pay for a haircut, who should provide insurance, who should pick up a child from school.  And we want someone else to make those decisions and to have them written in stone, or at least on paper that is filed with the court.

Is this really what parenting should be?  It is sad that relationships fall apart, some for very darn good reasons, but should we condemn our children to a life of “But that’s what the paper say?”

I have those papers.  I was required to, had no choice, you get a divorce and have children there has to be an agreement.  Our agreement says my son’s dad gets him every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday at 6, and for a few hours on Wednesday evening.  There is something about alternating holidays thrown in there too, because it’s really important to drive your child to another town to spend Groundhog Day when the rest of the weekend is designated to you.  I don’t think we’ve ever followed that schedule to the T, not one single week.

According to a majority of people, I should tell my ex that my son can’t stay this weekend till Monday, that it is not in the papers.  Well, that is, unless I’m getting extra child support in return (to cover his costs while he’s not even with me) or an exchange for a particular day or if he pays all the school tuition or sends me on a spa vacation. 

Why?

Child custody is not about you.  It’s not about your ex.  It’s not about a lawyer or a judge or what a bunch of strangers on the internet think.  It’s certainly not about a piece of paper.  It’s about your child.

It is important for my son to spend time with his dad, so I let him go extra days if he chooses.  It’s important for my son to get to baseball practice and games and school and to attend events he wants to go to, so his dad lets him stay home with me when the schedule makes that more conducive.  Sometimes our work schedules make us have to shift things around.  The courts don’t know, we don’t file papers every week to accommodate the schedule.  No one is checking up making sure he is home every Sunday at 6 or that he has left for his dad’s after school.  My ex and I do not owe each other anything for doing what is best for our child.

And I don’t even care about the money.  It’s just money.  I had to convince a judge to order less than the state ordered amount, and I had to fill out a bunch of extra paperwork to do so.  I did so because I want my child to be able to have experiences with his father, for his father to be able to afford a nice place to live and a car to drive and gasoline to get to the places he needs to go without being so stressed out about it he can’t enjoy the time with his child.  I want him to be able to buy him gifts, to take him out to eat.  He occasionally gives me money for extra things, but that is his choice, not something he owes me.  The relationship with his dad is something that has no price.

I made the decision to be responsible for a child the moment I chose to engage in an act that could create one, no matter what might happen in the future.  I chose to put him in private school, I cover the costs.  I chose to let him play travel ball, my financial responsibility too.  I don’t want to make my child miss out on opportunities because his dad may not be able to pay part of it.

If you share a child with someone you no longer have a relationship with, please, make your decisions based on your child.  I know there are some jerks out there that just want to make it hard for their ex’s, and sometimes you have no choice, but if you ARE the jerk parent, I hope you can change for the sake of a much younger person who looks to you for guidance.

Last night when I asked my son if he wanted to stay an extra night at his dad’s, he said he didn’t know what to do because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I questioned him on who he thought he was hurting, and he was afraid his dad would be upset if he stayed home, or his stepdad would be if he went.  (My feelings, he’s good with those being hurt, apparently!)  I explained to him that we are grown ups, it’s not about us, and if our feelings our hurt that is something WE need to get over because he is not responsible for how we feel. 

If he was feeling that way when we allow him to make choices and focus on him, imagine how a child feels who has to do whatever the paper says, no matter what.  They don't need added stress.

My son chose to go to his dad’s, and told me he loved me, and added that I should be happy I was getting rid of him.  I’m not.  Well, maybe for a couple hours.  He knows I’m just happy if he is.

That’s why they have wine.

The Devastation We Pretend Doesn't Exist

The death of Robin Williams is sad, very sad.  But I’m having trouble getting past my anger to feel anything but annoyance with everyone talking about it as if it is something new and unique.

Were you this upset when the mom down the street committed suicide?  The teenager at your child’s school?  When your spouse or your child or the clerk you see every week at the grocery store is feeling hopeless and full of despair?

Depression is very common, but we don’t like to talk about it.  Why?  Are we afraid to think it could happen to us?  Or even worse, afraid to admit it HAS happened to us?

Robin Williams feeling so low that he thought it was better to end his life is awful. It’s unbelievable.  It’s heartbreaking.  But it is also just as devastating when it happens to anyone else.  It’s also something that can be helped, and we need to educate ourselves about the true illness that it is.  It is not a character weakness, a personality flaw, a reason to look down upon someone.

It is a disease, just like diabetes or cancer or hypothyroidism or asthma or the multitudes of other physical things we accept as being something a person has, rather than something that defines a person.   Just like a cancer patient needs support and sometimes assistance from loved ones (and even strangers), so does that person with Depression.  There are treatments, but many times people are afraid to admit they need them.  That fear is often because they also fear being ostracized, discriminated against, or even just talked about.  That doesn’t happen to someone with diabetes, should it happen to someone with depression?

In my family, there are a lot of those diagnoses that get talked about.  There is Autism, ADHD, Alcoholism/Addiction, Downs Syndrome, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia.  And those last three are mine.  Years ago I took medication and had regular therapy, which I felt I had to hide because I was a mental health professional and rather than people thinking that might give me some insight, they were more inclined to think I was unfit to do my job.  That treatment, however, along with some amazing supportive friends and the birth of my child who gives me purpose, was lifesaving, and I have learned ways to overcome the symptoms and no longer need active treatment.  I still have a hard time making myself get involved in social situations, and stress over things way more than the average person, and  I’ve had some setbacks, particularly when the youth pastor I worked closely at church died suddenly and when my dad died, but I’ve been able to make it through.  I have been fortunate to have supportive people around me, and to have a stubborn attitude when there are those who aren’t, but not everyone has that.

So be one.  Be that person that someone might need.  Educate yourself.  Understand.  Care.  Love. Support.

That’s why they have wine.  Cheers, Robin, now that your illness can no longer affect you, I hope you can see the amazing person you are.  I hope we can all see the amazing person that we are.